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Saturday, 17 January 2015

What I Would do if I Could Write a Letter to Peter Jackson Concerning the Hobbit Movies (Part One)

Dear Pete,

I love your work. I really do. Anyone could tell you how wonderful the Lord of the Rings movies are- and indeed, they're the best movies that I have ever watched. The sweeping landscape, the depth of Tolkiens universe, and the acting all combined to make your film a masterpeice. However, in your latest endevours, you've fallen rather short of my expectations.
When I heard that you were going to be making movies based on the Hobbit, I was definately exited. I could relive the magic of the Lord of the Rings!... Right? But no. No, instead of releiving the magic, I was left sitting deflated in my seats for all three movies, and that's putting it lightly.
Lets start at the first movie.I havn't watched this movie since I saw it in theatres- I didn't really want to. Now, however, I've refreshed my mind with a quick trip to CinemaSins on Youtube. It stirs up some bad memories,
The first thing; the random attempts at being fu7nny. I mean, what are you trying to do, man? You kill somebody and they have time for an amusing final line? Dwarves are breathing flies in and out? Whats with these random jokes thrown in? I'll tell you one thing; I don't like them. This is a Lord of the Rings story, an epic adventure about a small hobbit beating all odds and becoming a huge hero. And you've put in random dwarves breathing flies in and out. Why? Also, when they fall into goblin town, they fall about 100 feet. And they're fine. Why is that?
Speaking of goblin town, the goblin king is practically identical to the leader of Laketown. I swear, you used the exact same character model for two people. Cheating!
One other thing that hurts you throughout this entire trilogy? The fight scenes. You try to make those funny, too, what with dwarves knocking people out by headbutting them and smacking dozens of people of bridges with ladders. It's not funny, man. It's stupid.
As for the second movie, you actually do all right for the first couple of minutes. And then they go into the that escape from the elf town and... well, it goes downhill from there.
I ask you this: who's idea wa it to have them escaoe in barrels? Tolkiens? Well, that might have been okay had it not been for the orc attack. When the dwarves are throwing swords to pin orcs in mid-air, and none of them are getting injured except for the one hot one, the watcher tends to lose interest. And then... I don't even want to talk about that one part. You know, the part where the dwarf-in-a-barrel somehow gets onto land and then skips, hops, and completely denies the laws of physics to knock over about fifty orcs? I mean, what? The action sequences just fail. And your still trying to make cheap jokes. I think that this is summed up best in the words of the cinema sins guy; "Movie wants to have a sense of danger in some moments, but in othe moments do this sh*t." Couldn't have said it better myself.
And then, you have a few minuted of half decent movie before we get to the dragon bit. Because, just say'in, the dragon scenes are mostly garbage. Lets run around and maybe somehow the dragon will miss every shot! Let's cover the dragon in molten gold, and them have him shed it off like water! I may have said it before, but... WHAT?
Pete, I'm to riled to finish this letter today. Besides, the third movie is bad enough to desrve a letter of it's own, and so I'll stop here. In th meanwhile, I'm sorry to be so harsh. 

Thanks for reading this letter,

Your sort of fan,

-Mark

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