What I Would I Would Do if I was an Orc in The Lord of the Rings

After that insanely long post two days back, I figured that I could use a more lighthearted post to cool down. Before we dive into it, though, I'd encourage you to check out What I Would Do if I Listed my Top 15 Green Day Songs. I worked for two days straight on that post, and I'm quite proud of it.
Way back in December I made the post What I Would Do if I was an Elf in The Lord of the Rings. Now, I thought I'd turn the tables and do What I Would Do if I was an Orc in The Lord of the Rings. 
I've always felt sorry for the orcs. The original orcs were once elves, or so it's said, who were tortured and mutilated to create the twisted orc creature. That right there seems like a huge tragedy to me. Elves seem pretty awesome; who could be so mean as to take them away from their happy little elf homes? No wonder everyone hates Sauron so much, if he's that mean.
Still, it seems to me like orcs could potentially live happy lives if they didn't have to work for a dark lord. They might still live for thousands of years due to their elf blood, they could get rid of their violent tendencies through therapy, and then they'd be changed orcs! If I was in their position, this is what I'd do.

• Take a bath. Orcs always seem to be portrayed as vile and grimy, which I feel would be a health hazard. Disease must run rampant in orc colonies. Therefore, I'd be sure to always keep my personal hygiene up so as to avoid disease and encourage cleanliness among my peers.
• Attend countless counselling sessions. Clearly, orcs are brainwashed into believing that it's their duty to kill, just as me and you are brainwashed to believe that it's our duty to protect those around us. I personally prefer the non-killing mindset, and so would try to find a good therapist.
• Once I felt that the time was right, I'd try to leave Mordor and find my way to some civilized place. I think I'd try for Rohan first. Everyone else would, I feel, try to kill me. The elves seem like the types who'd never trust that a former enemy wouldn't betray them, and so would kill even the friendliest orc on site. Dwarves would be too hard to track down, while the Gondor people seem prone to violence even when there's no need. Therefore, I'd try to go to Rohan. Rohanians seem nobel and civilized, and so might give a lonely orc a chance if he was clean, friendly and weaponless.
• If I could make it into Rohan, then I'd spend the rest of my life living among the forces of good in Middle Earth. Perhaps the elves would let me into my ancestor's homeland eventually, but if not then I'm sure I could find permanent residence in the land of the horse lords. 
• Now comes the important question I alluded to earlier. Because the original orcs were elves, would orcs live for thousands of years as well? If so, then everything I said in What I Would Do if I was an Elf in The Lord of the Rings applies. If not, then I would be content to die as the orc who changed.

Thanks for reading,

-Mark

What I Would do if I Were a Blogging Rebel

This.

-Laura

What I Would Do if I Listed my Top 15 Green Day Songs

Billy Joel, as much as I love him, has been replaced.
When I had yet to break the double-digit birthday mark, I used to hear Wake Me Up When September Ends and Boulevard of Broken Dreams while ridding in my dad's car. I liked the songs, but in those days it didn't occur to me to ask who wrote them, much less that I could listen to more songs by the same artist if I chose to. So I never really cared much about Green Day until last year.
That was when I found the song Holiday on my families' iTunes.
I fell in love with that song. The sound, the beat, the lyrics, all were different from the songs I was listening to at the time and immensely appealing to me.
The name Green Day was seared into my head. Not long after, I heard their iconic Basket Case. I felt that song was just as good as Holiday, which made me stop and look at Green Day seriously. Out of four songs of theirs that I had heard, I loved four. Was it just coincidence? I decided to find out. I started looking up their songs on youtube. Almost every single one I loved, and then bought.
As the year progressed my Green Day library grew. Every time I listened to a new album, a handful more songs would land in my iTunes library. It was wonderful.
These last few weeks have seen rapid-fire buying of nearly every Green Day song I hear, including four just last night. It's been a bit of a nuisance writing this blog post, actually. I make a list of my favourite songs, then new ones come and mess it all up!
On top of that my view of the songs changes daily. Obviously, this list is fluid and should be taken with a grain of salt. I'll encourage you to make your own judgement; I've linked to at least on version of every song on the list. Please do listen in, as you'll have no idea what I'm talking about otherwise. I'm counting on you knowing what parts I'm talking about. Turns out that it's rather hard to describe songs!
All links will open in a separate window. Enjoy!
(That's drummer Tré Cool up above, by the way. I was having a hell of a time trying to caption him!)

Billie Joe Armstrong, Lead Guitar / Vocals

15. Hitchin' a Ride

Hitchin' a Ride is lucky to be presenting itself to you right now. Yesterday Jesus Of Suburbia would have been ranked higher then Hitchin' a ride, but for whatever reason I wasn't feeling it today. Jesus of Suburbia has fallen to sixteenth. Only a song like Hitchin' a Ride could have knocked it off the top 15 list.
There are three keys to making this song great. First, the rolling bass of Mike Dirnt to lull the listener into the song. Second, while some accuse all Green Day songs of sounding the same (Laura!), Hitchin' a Ride has a much different feel then anything else on this list. The arrogant, dry commentary by lead singer / guitarist Billie Joe Armstrong ties in seamlessly with the bass. Finally, that one strangled scream by Billie Joe Armstrong just before the two minute mark is insane enough to land this song a place in the top 15 all by itself.

14. American Idiot
Give a listen to American Idiot, hear how epic it is, and be amazed that thirteen more Green Day songs could be better then it.
The classic Green Song combines kick-ass guitar and drums with stirring lyrics. Not necessarily lyrics I agree with, but stirring all the same;
Welcome to a new kind of tension / All across the alienation / Where everything isn't meant to be okay. Followed later by Well maybe I'm the fa**** America / I'm not a part of a redneck agenda / Now everybody do the propaganda / And sing along to the age of paranoia.
Oh, the angst! Teenagers like me just eat this stuff up.

13. Church on Sunday
Church on Sunday is one of those songs which I just purchased, and so is fresh and vibrant in my mind. So perhaps I'm biased when I put the song above American Idiot, but at the moment I think it's pretty damn great.
From extensive research on the song, I think that I've got a basic understanding on the meaning behind the song. Apparently, the song talks about a relationship, and how for any relationship to work compromises have to be made by both parties. As for me, I'm in no real position to comment. I'm not that smart. Instead, I'll try to distract you with some deep-sounding lyrics...
Bloodshot, deadbeat and a lack of sleep / Making your mascara bleed / Tears down your face / Leaving traces of my mistakes
When I say
If I promise to go to church on Sunday / Will you go with me on Friday night / If you live with me I'll die for you / And this compromise
I hereby solemnly swear to tell / The whole truth / And nothing but the truth is what / I'll ever hear from you now / Trust is a dirty word that comes / From such a liar / But respect is something I will earn / If you have faith
As well, can I just say that the way Billie says "Bloodshot, deadbeat and a lack of sleep" is incredible? I live for those little moments of vocal awesomeness.

12. She
Lyrics are a large factor in determining whether or not I like a song.
After my first listen or two to She, I figured that it was a love song. "She" sounds like some cheesy thing you could call your girlfriend, and on top of that the tenderness in Billie's voice is evident when he says the word. After reviewing the lyrics more closely, though, I feel as though I misjudged the song. Listen to this;
Are you locked up in a world that's been planned out for you? / Are you feeling like a social tool without a use? Scream at me until my ears bleed / I'm taking heed just for you.
This line seems to allude that "she" is feeling like she's doing things for other people as opposed to herself. Perhaps there are high expectations set upon her, and she's buckling under the pressure. Later in the song, this idea is backed up by the She, She's figured out / all her doubts were someone else's point of view line. Perhaps then the previously mentioned Scream at me until my ears bleed / I'm taking heed just for you is the voice of someone who's listening to the girl and letting her get her feelings off her chest.
Really though, who knows or cares if any of that's right. In the end, the song boils down to intriguing lyrics with the usual catchy beat of a Green Day song. It's well worth a listen if you haven't already.
Bonus points for watching this performance of She, where I get the impression that Billie is high.

11. Longview
Ah, Longview. The masturbation song.
Clearly, the subject matter in this song is questionable. Bite my lip and close my eyes / Slipping away to paradise / Some say quit or I'll go blind / But it's just a myth Are just a few extremely suspicious lines. Even before that, however, the song gives away it's true meaning with When masturbations lost it's fun / you're fucking lonely.
Yeah.
If you can get past that, though, the song's great! The iconic bass entry to the song sets up the song, and the rest doesn't disappoint. Forgive me if I don't want to dwell on this song for too long.

Mike Dirnt, Bassist / Back-up Vocals

10. Amy
I only discovered Amy last night. A tribute to the late Amy Winehouse, this heart-rending song steps back completely from the usual bang-bang-crash of Green Day in favour of a more melancholy approach. What results is a beautifully simple and simply beautiful tune.
I'm a sucker for quiet, simple tunes at any time, but the variety from the other songs on this list makes Amy stand out even more. After so much electric guitar and drums, a song like Amy is a breath of fresh air. Sadly, it doesn't seem like too many other people think so, with the song not appearing on any other "top Green Day songs" lists that I've read, or just about anywhere else for that matter. It's a shame, as I'd love to see more songs like Amy from Green Day.

9. 2000 Light Years Away
I've got two versions of 2000 Light Years Away that you can listen to before we begin. The first is the iTunes version of the song, where you can get the full audio experience. I've also found a video of an early performance of this song, way back in 1992 when Green Day was yet to be very big. The audio quality isn't great, but I found that seeing early Green Day was pretty cool. I'll leave the choice up to you.
Here, we find a punk love song. A strange mix, but one which the band pulls off with some flair.
Billie Joe wrote this song for his girlfriend before the band recorded their breakthrough album Dookie. He did his job well, as he and the girl are now married with kids. I've got to admit, I'd want to marry someone if they wrote a song like this for me. The rapid-fire guitar, the frantic drumming, and bass all combine into one delicious blend for the ears.

I sit outside and watch the sunrise / Look out as far as I can / I can't see her, but in the distance / I hear some laughter / We laugh together

8. Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Boulevard of Broken Dreams will always be one of my favourites. I've listened to this one  for years, and still the lyrics seem haunting; My shadow's only one that walks beside me / My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating / Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me / 'Til then I walk alone. I couldn't tell you what exactly it is, but something about the mood of this song is addicting. The melancholy lyrics, the instrumentals... classic Green Day right here.

7. Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)
Apparently, Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) is frequently played at graduations. I'm not quite sure what to make of that, though. Is Green Day trying to say "good riddance?" Or "I had the time of my life?"
Let's forget the graduation thing for a minute. I personally think that the song could be about something much larger then graduating, instead being applied to life in general. To me the song says that life is unpredictable and can lead you down roads you never meant to take, and so it's up to you to take what opportunities life gives you and make the most of them. Listen to the first verse again; Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road / Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go / So make the best of this test, and don't ask why / It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time.
Still, I can understand why it might be appropriate for a graduation. The second and final verse goes So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind / Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time / Tattoos and memories and dead skin on trial / For what it's worth, it was worth all the while.
Paired with these lyrics are the usual flawless instrumentals, this time with a few stringed instruments thrown into the mix. The soaring melody from whatever the instrument is adds a little something extra to the song, making it well deserve it's number seven spot.
You can see a live performance of the song here.

6. Stray Heart
Much like Amy, it doesn't seem like too many people care about Stray Heart. There's only one explanation I can think of for this, which is that the song refuses to stop running around in people's heads until the listener goes insane.
One think that I like about the song is that it has a clear story to follow, which is illustrated perfectly for you through the music video. The vaguely tragic story follows a man who cheated on his girlfriend, realized his mistake, and then (quiet rightly) gets shut down by the girl who once loved him. This story comes through in the lyrics and video, although you'd never guess it from the tune. The catchy song starts with a quick, almost playful beat, while the tune jumps joyfully around until an infectious chorus begins. What's not to like?



5. Wake Me Up When September Ends
Wake Me Up When September Ends will forever remain the most tragic song ever recorded by Green Day.
I feel like Billie Joe exposes himself in this song more then any other. As most Green Day fans would know, he wrote the song for his father, who died quite suddenly from cancer in September 1982. Billie was 10 years old at he time.
As the story goes, after his fathers funeral Billie ran home and locked himself in his room. When his mother knocked on the door, he said the line "Wake me up when September ends," and twenty years later he went back to that moment through song.
I won't pretend to know anything about the feelings that Billie went through at that time, but the anguish shines through in his lyrics and performances.
Here comes the rain again / Falling from the stars / Drenched in my pain again / Becoming who we are.
I watched one video of Billie almost breaking down when singing this song. I didn't include it in the title because he starts to butcher the song, but if you're curious you can still watch it here. I feel as though that will tell you more about the song then I ever could.

4. 21 Guns

Do you know what's worth fighting for / When it's not worth dying for?

Usually, it seems that Billie Joe's live performances can't quite match up to the recorded versions- especially for quieter songs. Therefore I was surprised when I found this sublime performance from Japan. When he goes for those high notes at the end, I swear that he's even better then in the iTunes version.
I love all of Green Day's quieter songs, and 21 guns doesn't disappoint. The mix between the sad, reflective parts and the more intense, typical Green day is pulled off perfectly. As well, we're able to fully appreciate Billie Joe's range as he hits the high notes sounding clean and pure. Man, I'm running out of adjectives to describe the song!
It's brilliant. That sums it up better then all that rambling above.

When you're at the end of the road / And you've lost all sense of control / And your thoughts have taken their toll / When your mind breaks the spirit of you soul...

3. Holiday

Enough with those sissy quiet songs! Time for a good ol' fight song.
Holiday was one of the first Green Day songs I ever listened to, being one of the original three my family had on iTunes before I really discovered Green Day. It also holds a special place in my heart for being the song that really got me interested in the band, and sending me on a year of wild Green Day listening. Through it all, with seventeen more Green Day songs and counting added to the original three on iTunes, Holiday has remained one of my favourite Green Day tunes.
Not surprising, really. The song does what I love about all Green Day songs. It has something to say about the world, which is, of course, that it sucks. I may not agree with what Green Day says or does, but just the fact that they're willing to say and do things makes me respect them.
The one problem with the song is it's repetitiveness until the "angry speaking" chunk, as I'll christen it. Then, that break from the heavy rock does diminish the epicness of the song ever so slightly. I can't let that effect my judgement too much, though, as I see why they had that portion and it does help bolster the message of the song.

2. Basket Case
Basket case has to be the most iconic Green Day song there is. With over fifty million youtube views and dozens of live performances to be found, you cannot deny the success of this song.
When I first heard Basket Case, my Green Day obsession had not yet started. After I heard it, I couldn't get enough. I remember literally jumping around when I listened to the song, rocking out like I was part of a mosh pit. The frantic guitar playing, the different feeling of the intro as opposed to the main song, the lyrics... I just can't get enough of Basket Case. In fact, loving the song as I do and owing so much of my Green Day love to it, I had a tough decision to make when I put it in second. Speaking of which, we've finally made it to the number one song! Believe me, I mean it when I say finally. I've been working on this post for something like three days now, and I'm ready to call it done. Let's get to it!

1. Welcome To Paradise
Here we go. Welcome to Paradise is, like every song on this list, exquisite. This one, though, is a cut above.
There are many, many things I like in a song, including...

• Long, well-held notes
• Well-written lyrics with a message
• Slow builds in intensity
• Great instrumentals
• Variety within the song

Welcome to paradise has it all. Let's work down the list, shall we?

When Billie gets to the Pay attention to the cracked streets and the broken homes bit, that long note Mike Dirnt sings compliments it perfectly. The problem is, admiring that note can take away from the lyrics of the song, which are clever and thought provoking. Take it away, Green Day;

Pay attention to the cracked streets and the broken homes / Some call it the slums, some call it nice / I wanna take you through a wasteland I like to call my home / Welcome to paradise.

A gunshot rings out at the station / Another urchin snaps and left dead on his own / It makes me wonder why I'm still here / For some strange reason it's now feeling like my home / And I'm never gonna go...

Sounds pretty deep, eh?
The crowning moment in the song, though, has to be after the second run-through of the chorus. The main guitar dies along with the drums, leaving only the bass to work it's magic. Then the drums join in, then plinking notes on the guitar, which all slowly builds up, the drums getter louder, the guitar more intense, then boom, we're back into the song. You can't top that.
With just that section, we also check "great instrumentals" and "variety within the song" off the list. Welcome to Paradise is, in my books, the perfect song.

I tell you, the song is just superb. Green Day is superb. Although with any luck, by now you won't have to take my word for it. You will have listened to fifteen wonderful songs, and heard for yourself just how good they can be. In case your somehow not convinced, though, or just want to hear more, I have some honourable mentions lined up for you.

16. Jesus of Suburbia
Jesus of Suburbia was an extremely ambitious venture that paid off. Clocking in at over nine minutes with five separate parts, the song really did deserve a spot on the above list. There are just too many great Green Day songs...
Here's the iTunes version, and here's a live performance.

17. Waiting
I would have loved to give Waiting the spotlight it deserved, but today it just didn't quite cut it. The mix between quiet and soft is, as usual, a great thing to listen to- an "eargasm," as my friend would say. Give yourself some eargasms and listen to this one.

18. Minority
The almost playful melody is clever and fun to listen to. The only reason that it doesn't make the top fifteen is because that playful melody is all the song offers.

19. Give Me Novacaine / She's a Rebel
Technically this is two songs, but if iTunes counts them as one, I do too. The first bit gives you your quiet, sentimental Green Day, the second part your daily dose of rock.

20. Are we the Waiting / St. Jimmy
The last song that I have in my iTunes library is still a great one. I do really love the frantic guitar and vocals of St. Jimmy, but Are we the Waiting seems mediocre to me. Unfortunately, even a song like St. Jimmy can't compete against the other songs on this list when it's being dragged down like that.
The Are we the Waiting link gives you a live show in Britain, while the St. Jimmy link is a special treat. The Green Day album American Idiot was turned into a broadway musical, and the St. Jimmy link is from a performance of the show.

Extra. King for a Day / Shout
Finally, I'd like to show you two songs that I haven't purchased and don't plan on purchasing. They're not really songs that you'd want to listen to regularly, but they're wonderful for live performances. In the video above, you'll see how deftly Green Day can work an audience.



That's it!
Whew. It's been a long day of blogging. I think I put more effort into this post then any other, so I really hope that you enjoy it.
Ahhhh.
Man. Fifteen songs analyzed, six more talked about, and all of them listened to about five times. It's been a long day. Forgive me if I slow the pace of my post now, but if you've made it this far, then surely you don't mind. You've gained my respect if you read this entire post.
Although I did spend a huge amount of time on this one, it's worth it to celebrate Green Day. If you haven't noticed, I think that they're incredible; from their "fuck it" attitude to their willingness to speak out to their songs in general, they've won a fan in me. Keep it up, guys.

Thanks for reading,

-Mark

PS; Laura, I know what you're next punishment will be!

What I Would do if Canada was Eliminated from the Fifa World Cup

I had big plans for Canada day.

I was thinking I'd maybe go and see Canada beat Japan in the semi-finals of the Women's Fifa World Cup. It would be the best Canada day ever.

Unfortunately, for the best Canada day ever to occur, Canada had to beat England today in the quarter-finals.

They didn't, even if they deserved to (I know, I'm biased). I just hope Christine Sinclair plays in the next world cup! She's one of my personal heroes, and she's an amazing soccer player. I think of our whole team was made of Christine Sinclairs, we'd have the world cup in the bag.

Anyway, this is what I would do if we were eliminated:

1. Cry. Cry a lot. (Check)
2. Sink into a deep depression. (Check)
3. Cry some more. (Check)
4. Hide in a hole and die (yet to be achieved).

-Laura

What I Would Do if I Graduated Junior High

Before grade seven, I hated school with a passion.
During my earlier elementary years especially, I'd go to school kicking and screaming. There were very few things which I found enjoyment in. My classes were, I believed, dull and not inconsequential. I had no say in what I was going to study, or what people I was going to spend my time with. My life was composed of waiting for recess, waiting until the next playdate.
Then I made it to junior high, and everything changed.
Coming into the school in grade seven, I imagined that the gang of people from my elementary school would all band together in some super-mob of Glenora students. Things would be, I thought, much like they always had been before.
But then I started to branch out. I started to meet new people, and tentatively I stretched towards them. I started taking Drama class, where I learned to be myself and to never shy away from a challenge. I began to meet new people who taught me that, as good as they'd been, my gang of kids from Glenora were just a small sample of people, and that in the wider pool of potential friends I could find people both much better and much worse then them. In small pieces my shell of shyness and insecurity began to chip away.
The most significant change for me, though, was when through my studies and some wonderful teachers I began to question the world outside of what I'd always been taught. I began to question what was right and, more importantly, question why it was right. I learned that there are always more then two sides to a story, and that I was in no position to ever think that my ideas were better then other people's.
Through Grade eight, I expanded upon this idea with the help of my wonderful Social teacher, Mr. Koziej, who helped to teach me that the world is wonderful and diverse and that everyone should deserve the same respect as the person next to them. I worked harder then ever in my schoolwork, and achieved some wickedly high marks. Through it all, I learned to better work with others and express myself even more.
Finally, grade nine rolled around. That was the year where it fully sunk in that I could do anything if I tried, and that people would support me as long as I worked hard and did it with other's interests in mind. I became a much bigger risk taker, and allowed myself to be put in more and more potentially embarrassing scenarios. I sang in front of the entire school, I was the lead in the school play. Both those experiences were simultaneously terrifying and immensely rewarding. That year I also completed NaNoWriMo, an achievement which I'm more proud of then perhaps any other in my life.
Finally and most importantly, I threw myself into more social settings then ever before. I started making more and better friends, hanging out with them outside of school, and letting my shell of insecurities all but fall away. Heck, I even asked a girl out (still going strong, by the way)!
Now, though, I'm faced with the grim reality that it's all over. My friends- including some of my very best friends- are leaving for different schools then I am, and it breaks my heart to see them go. Soon, I'll find myself at a new school, and the whole process will repeat itself.
But you know what? I'm excited.
I've grown so much during my three years at Westminster, and I can only assume that I'll continue to do so over these next three years. Some friends may be leaving, but hey! I figured that I'd never make any better friends in Junior High then I did in elementary, but it happened. In high school I'll be exposed to even more people, and I'm sure that I'll make even more friends.
So let me say this; Westminster, you had your faults. You had your fair share of bad classes and shitty teachers. You did do one thing right, though. You made hundreds of people grow and mature, and create memories which will last far beyond the white-washed walls of your hallways.
Thanks for that.

-Mark

What I Would do if I had the Worst Start to a Job Ever

Picture this: your first day at a new job. You're nervous, but excited because you really wanted this job, and you think that you're really well suited for the position. You can't wait to start training! It takes forty minutes to get to your job site, so you leave forty minutes in advance, looking prim and polished and ready to go.

However, then, the second you turn onto the highway, you realize that there's no way in hell that you'll make it on time. The traffic is lined up as far as you can see - which is far when you live on the prairies - and moving at under 10 km/h. You panic and stress out, but eventually realize that you just need to call your workplace and explain since there's nothing you can do.

You make it to work twenty minutes later than you were supposed to. Then, something even worse happens. In your rush, you slip in the wet grass. Underneath the wet grass is a thick layer of mud, which is now coating your pants, your arms, your shoes, your watch, and even your car keys. You turn around and go back into your car to briefly panic and cry. Fortunately, there is toilet paper in the backseat that you guess someone bought and forgot to bring into the house. Thank goodness for small miracles. You attempt to clean up, but, really, your clothes and your arms are unsalvageable without soap and water. After some tears and minor hyperventilation, you get back out and enter the building.

Only, you don't see anyone, but one woman at the front desk, who is clearly confused to see you. Plus, you're covered in mud, which is probably also confusing. You explain you're there for job training. At her look of disgust, you briefly say that you lamely mutter something about calling and leaving a message about being late because of a traffic jam. She points you upstairs.

You enter into a dark conference room, which is maybe a blessing because at least your muddy clothes are less visible. There's no room around the table, which means that you have to sit behind everyone and anyone entering or leaving the room has to squeeze by you and your muddy self. Then, you have to awkwardly introduce yourself, "because you were late". Oh, God. Things can only go downhill, right?

Yes, it sounds like something out of a comedy, doesn't it? Hard to believe that it was my life on Tuesday. Anyone, this is what I did:

1) After minor panic attacks, spending lunch in my car crying, and seriously fighting the urge to just say "screw it", drive home, and die in a hole, you plough through it. You take a deep breath, put on a brave face, and go in there with the best attitude you can muster after such a disaster.

2) You have the giddy realization that nothing could possibly be worse. Things can only go up from here, on the plus side (I guess that's the good thing about hitting rock bottom).

And, yes, if you're curious, after that initial hiccup, I'm loving my job so far.

-Laura

What I Would Do if I (Mark) Played Buzzfeed's Would You Rather Quiz

Laura's Buzzfeed quizzes have become my some of my favourite posts on the blog.
The first time Laura made a quiz post, I responded with a lengthy comment detailing my responses to every question that'd been asked. This time around, I'll go forth in the true spirit of this blog and copy the idea in the form of a post. Perhaps this is a bad idea, as I know what kinds of questions will be asked... Oh, God. Let's just go for it.

1. Would you rather smell like poop and not know it, or constantly be smelling poop that nobody else can smell?
Well. Ew. Although this is rather unpleasant, it's not hard to answer. In the end, it comes down to to reducing the casualties. If I smelled like poo for the rest of my life, then I do believe that I'd have a rather hard time getting and keeping friends. I'd rather keep the poo smell to myself and pray that I'd get used to it.

2. Would you rather eat only roadkill for the rest of your life or have everyone else in the world sound like Gilbert Gottfried?
Like you, Laura, I had to look Gilbert up to hear his voice. His voice could get grating after awhile, sure- but I think I'd rather be annoyed then die of malnutrition. The only problem is, I'd be condemning everyone else in the world with me if I didn't eat the roadkill...

3. Would you rather have taste buds on your butthole, or poop through your mouth?
Gah! The butthole! The butthole! Let's leave this question so we don't have to think about it!

4. Would you rather always have to say everything on your mind, or never be able to speak again?
This one's easy as well. Not being able to speak would be a curse in nearly every aspect of my life, whereas saying everything on my mind would be immensely liberating.

5. Would you rather be itchy for the rest of your life or sticky for the rest of your life?
Itchy, I can get used to. Sticky, both I and everyone around me has to deal with my problem. Let's get to the hard questions, Buzzfeed!

6. Would you rather eat a bowl of vomit or lick a hobo's foot?
Ah, thanks. Perhaps I should have been careful what I wished for, though...
Okay, let's think about this. Both would, of course, be terrible. However, like so many questions before it, I can think of an easy answer if I want to be chivalrous. Licking a hobo's foot seems to dehumanize them, and both me and the homeless person would be grossed out. Therefore, I'd go for the vomit.

7. Would you rather go through life with a perpetual cold sore on your mouth or go through life with a booger hanging from your nose?
Oh. God. Well, in the end I suppose that you could maybe downplay the cold sore with makeup, while with the snot there'd be nothing you could do... cold sore it is.

8. Would you rather watch your parents have sex every day for the rest of your life, or join in once to stop it?




                                                             ...




                                                             ...





This will take a lot of explaining.
My terribly awkward decision would be to join in just once. Before you drown me out with your protests, let me shout above you and say that it's all in the interest of time management. Watching them for, say, half an hour every day would be terribly time consuming and take up 1/48'th of my life. That's over two years if I live to be 100 years old. Alternatively, I could just hop in and hop out once, and then spend the two extra years of time I gained trying to wipe the experience from my memory. As terrible as it sounds, joining in is clearly the logical answer.

9. Would you rather smell like eggs when you burp or have a green cloud appear when you fart?
I burp on average perhaps once a week, where as farts probably slip out closer to once a day. Besides, I could just look weirdly at the person beside me if it started to smell like eggs, while a green cloud coming from my butt would be harder to explain.

10. Would you rather have the hiccups for the rest of your life, or always feel like you have to sneeze but not be able to?
Both of these sound unpleasant, but to me it's still an easy choice. Hiccups would make it extremely hard to eat, drink, or carry on a conversation. On the other hand, feeling like you needed to sneeze would be easy enough to get use to and nobody around you would be annoyed.

11. Would you rather only be able to listen to Nickelback songs, or reread all 56 pages of iTunes' terms and conditions every day for the rest of your life?
Again it's time management that makes the decision for me. I don't have any particular loathing for Nickleback, while it would take hours to read the terms and conditions every day. I'd just not listen to music at all.

12. Would you rather live like a king but have no friends or family or be homeless with your friends and family?
Clearly, I'd rather have friends and a family then be miserable alone in some mansion. I just hope that my friends wouldn't be pissed that in order to stay friends with me, they'd have to live on the streets.

13. Would you rather eat a potato and feel its pain, or be a potato?
Why on earth would you choose to be a potato? (No offence, Laura)

14. Would you rather have vaginas for ears or have penises for fingers?
Well, this one's easy. Having a penis myself, I can say that having ten as fingers would be extremely unpleasant. Is it possible to bend them in this alternate world? Or are they stuck straight? Another extremely awkward problem would be how your fingers would change from hard to soft (I didn't make these questions, okay? I'm just paid to talk about them). I don't think that soft fingers would be very useful, but how does one keep fingers constantly aroused? If you were too good at keeping them aroused, would they... you know... climax? Would you pee out of your fingers? Besides, those things are sensitive!
Vaginas for ears seem like the much better option. I'll just keep my fingers (NOT penises) crossed that my ears don't start to bleed.

15. Would you rather have sex with a goat and have nobody know, or not have sex with a goat and have everyone think that you did?
Ah, this question, ruiner of my reputation. I'd bang the goat.
First of all, I don't think that it's anatomically possible to properly bang a goat. Second of all, if you can't go full out them maybe it wouldn't be too uncomfortable for the goat... or you. Thirdly, I do want to have a social life. That's why I'd bite my lip and just do it.

16. Would you rather pry off your thumbnail with a fork, or put a toothpick under your big toenail and kick a wall?
This is the most cringe-worthy question of all time. Reading this the first time through, I physically winced. Luckily, I do have an answer. Although I do like your plan to bend the rules, Laura, I think I'd rather pry off my nail with a fork. A shaft of wood in your toe might cause permanent damage, whereas people lose their nails all the time. Again, I'd merely have to suck it up and go for it. That's pretty good life advice, actually...

17. Would you rather know when you're going to die, or know how you're going to die?
Easy. Knowing how you'd die would leave you paranoid, while if you knew when you'd die then you could try to prepare for it.

Done! I'm afraid I have to agree with you, Laura- asides from a few really terrible questions, the test was actually fairly easy. I await harder questions, Buzzfeed.
Until next time, thanks for reading.

-Mark

What I Would do if I Urban Dictionaried Myself II

I took your title, but, really, Mark? "Dictionaried"?

Fine, since it's your birthday today, I like that verb and will add it to my vocabulary.

Challenge accepted, and here's what Urban Dictionary has to say about me:

• "a beautiful name, in fact one of the best names ever" - true, true. No complaints on my end.
• "a really cool person; guys want her and girls want to be her. Has many friends. Everyone likes her. They dont [sic] only pretend to like her." - very flattering. Plus, this author knows how to use a semi-colon! Props to you, random person!
• entry number three calls me "awesome in every way", "shy at times and crazy (especially when she is sugar high)", and says that "she likes to make lists", "loves to be creative with her stories she writes", and that "reading is her favourite pastime". "Best Traits: can keep secrets when she wants to, can always cheer people and friends up, knows the right moment when a friends [sic] in need." - wow. Very flattering. I can't necessarily speak to my best traits, but the rest was creepily accurate!
• "The person with this name is the most amazing person you will ever meet. After you say hi to her, magic fairy dust will sprinkle on your head and then you'll be able to FLY! OMG! Who WOULDN'T want to fly?" - how high was this author??
• the next is my personal favourite, describing a Laura as "sex on legs", a "tiger in the bedroom", and "possibly the rudest person you will ever meet". - ummmmmm....
• "A really great girl either in the bed or on the floor. Also one of the kindest most beautiful chicks you'll ever meet. The kind you never let go of." - maybe flattering? Thanks?
• "lauras generally listen to good music" - HA!
• "typically above average intelligence", "liked by most", has "an overall good personality"
• "she makes one happy"
• "Laura is the pimpshit in every way. When someone meets a Laura they will never be able to forget her. She is truly unique in every way. She has an amazing personality and the looks to match it. Laura's are extremely intelligent. Straight up wiz kids. She is one of the hottest chicks ever to be seen. When she walks in the room, the wall clocks stop, everyone's jaw drops, and time literally stands still." 
• "possibly one of the best kinds of people. strong, determined, loving, lovely, beautiful, amazing, loyal, friendly, funny, amazing hair!!"
• "sex on a stick", "at times quiet", "doesn't talk to people she thinks aren't worth her time", "loves photography" "one of the most BEAUTIFUL girls you will ever meet!",  "friendly, classy, gentle, elegant", "the most intelligent person ever!", "artistic", "great taste in music", and "fucking great! the end."

Yeah, that was pretty amusing. Some of it seemed creepily accurate. Some of it was frightening. Some of it was amusing (I have never heard the word "pimpshit" before). What do you think, Mark? Accurate?

The one thing that really irked me was this, though:

"Lauren"?!!!!!!!!

NO! That is a corrupted, awful version of my name! (Sorry to any Laurens out there... I've just been called "Lauren" one too many times!)

-Laura

What I Would Do if I Urban Dictionaried Myself

Ah, urban dictionary. I love you.
Tonight, studying science with Julia, I suggested that we look our names up on urban dictionary for some entertainment. Now, I've done this before, but I'd never looked too deeply into the urban dictionary files on "Mark." Tonight, I took that extra step. Here are some of the gems I found.

• The most sexy, erotic, flirtacious, hot stuff, bootylicious four-letter word you'll ever see... If you take the Mark out of supermarket you're left with superet and that's pretty stupid 'cause why would you go out to the superet, it makes no sense... It's definately the coolest four-letter name you'll ever see because if you spell it frontwards and backwards, it's different! 
• An easy target, or sucker.
• To be named as a potential victim for future criminal activities.
• Mark is a walking god... he has a slong like a black man down to his knees.
• A very hot guy nice and very funny. He also has a very long penis.
• One who is a BAD ASS MOTHA FUCKA. (Example; You're such a Mark for banging my mom AND my sister!)
• If he loves you, you'll know it. But good luck trying to get his attention if he doesn't. Especially if you're a dirty whore. And if he already loves someone else, just quit LOL.
• Total asshole, complete douchebag, and biggest dickhead you'll ever meet--but if you can make one love you--they can be the sweetest person you ever had or ever will meet.
• A weird hybrid of a bully and a nerd.
• The whitest black person you will ever meet.

Well.

Clearly, the other Mark's in the world have been making a name for themselves. I'm not quite sure that I can live up to those BAD ASS MOTHA FUCKA standards... Seriously though, urban dictionary is amazing. I could only show you a fraction of what I found there, and all of the above comments were heavily trimmed down. That really weird one about Mark's being sweethearts and assholes simultaneously rambled on for quite a few paragraphs, for example. On top of that, the spelling, capitalization and grammer was atrocious, and I just couldn't stand leaving it that way and so made some minor edits.

Still, I think that you've got a good taste of what urban dictionary's all about, and perhaps a better understanding of who I am through those definitions.

Now, Laura, I challenge you! By this time tomorrow, I'd like to see what urban dictionary has to say about your name!

Thanks for reading,

-Mark 

What I Would do if I Wrote a Poem Like Jacques Prevert

My sister is teaching English in a high school in France next year named after a certain surrealist poet. All of his poems have a pretty similar feel, so I thought I'd give writing one a go:

Cookies

Butter in the bowl

The bowl in the microwave

Sugar in the butter

Dry ingredients in the wet

Dough in the oven

I will eat the cookies

Fire eats air

Worms eat corpses

Stomach acid eats cookies

Eating

Eating

Eating

I ate the cookies

And wept

-Laura

What I Would do if I Lived in Phuket

A snapchat I sent while in Phuket - the music truck helps too

Phuket, Thailand. Long, sandy beaches. Sparkling turquoise waters reflecting the noonday sun and the cloudless sky. It sounds perfect, doesn't it?

Well, think again. Imagine this dream scenario, but with some extra things: forty degree heat, tourist traps and scam artists, garbage floating in the ocean, cockroaches, pop music, huge rats, piles of garbage, endless harassment as soon as you step onto the streets or beaches, pollution, and almost as many stray cats as people (and there are crowds of people). The sweat drips down your face as street merchants chase you down yelling "elephant show!!!". You run to the beach, hoping to escape this offer of animal exploitation, only to be mobbed by men trying to sell you more things ("boat ride? Snorkel?"). The ocean must be safe from these people, you think, but you don't want to step in it because garbage is washing up with each beat of the waves against the sandy shore.

In short, I really, really, really don't want to move to Phuket. However, if I were forced to live there, I know what I would do:

1. Get a veterinary degree (this is a prerequisite).
2. Build a cat sanctuary, hopefully far away from every other person in Phuket and with some kickass air conditioning, not to mention some mega pest control.
3. Get all of those poor cats off the street.
4. Give those cats a good home and good healthcare, which hopefully includes some mega reproduction management. I love cats, but there shouldn't be so many homeless ones. It breaks my heart. I mean, look at this little guy:

I wanted to take him home with me, not leave him alone to survive on cockroaches!

5. Set up a veterinary practice in my home as well, so that I would actually have the money to fund this mission. 

Well, I don't think this will happen anytime soon to be honest. As I said, living in Phuket would probably be my nightmare. Still, here's hoping all of those cats get homes. It's almost enough to convince me to do this. Almost.

-Laura

What I Would Do if I Cheated Too II

I'm tired, I'm tired, more then you know
My brain, it knows nothing, just like John snow
Little sleep! Little rest! My eyes grow weak
I wish I could know how to swiftly go
To that land of sleep

My poetry skills are lacking
Around here I'm known for slacking
So now I shall stop my yacking
My bed seems to me attracting
In moments I shall be napping
Bad poems like these are in passing
For them no crowds will be massing
The reader, this poem is harrassing
Now all I'm doing is sassing
This poem on your ears is crashing
Ryhmezone is really quite dashing
In agony you are thrashing
As your ears this poem keeps bashing
They're really getting a lashing!
Though I think this poem is smashing
This poem is flashy, it's flashing
Oh, do hear the ryhmes a-crashing!

Okay, I'll stop. A real post tomorrow!

-Mark

What I Would do if I Cheated Too

Markie, I love you, Markie, I do,
But I just switched meds and I feel like poo,
I avoided swearing in public (woohoo!)
But this means that I have to cheat too.

I don't want to move,
My heart is pounding,
The heartache I feel
Is simply astounding.

So please forgive your depressed sister this,
I couldn't feel worse if I drowned in piss.
I actually feel remarkably awful,
Being this sad is surely unlawful.

-Laura

What I Would Do if Exams were Stressful

Exams; I hate them
Yes I do
Exams; I hate them
Yes it's true

When science, math, social and French
Make you want to consume a bench
While sheltering in your fine trench
You don't have time to make a blog post!

-Mark

What I Would do if I Played Buzzfeed Would You Rather II

Today, I felt like giving myself a bit of a blogging break, so I'm going to play "would you rather", one of my favourite games. If you want to play along, here you are:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/spenceralthouse/give-up-cheese-or-give-up-oral-sex#.dfWxEl1w0

Alright, first question. This quiz promises that these questions are impossible to answer, and, so far, I have to agree that this one is pretty tough. Would I rather continually smell like poo to others or continually smell poo that no one else can smell? Well, I guess this boils down to whether or not I care more about my personal comfort or about my public image. I hate to be a jerk and not care about others in this situation, but couldn't I wear perfume or something? If I always smelled poo, I think people would find it weird that I was constantly gagging. I'd hope I'd get used to it, but from visiting waste treatment plants as a kid, I can safely say that it never got any better. I'm pretty sensitive to smells and gag easily. So, I'd rather not vomit constantly. Anyway, if I smelled like poo and couldn't tell that I did, at least I might finally achieve my dream of hermitage.

Would I rather eat only roadkill for the rest of my life or have everyone else sound like Gilbert Gottfried? Well, I had to look up what he sounds like. Yes, his voice is annoying, but this question was still easy. I'm a vegetarian. I won't eat meat, even if someone murdered it with a car instead of whatever sharp object people use in slaughterhouses. Though, really, I'd think non-vegetarians shouldn't have an issue eating roadkill. It's more or less the same thing as what they already do. Also, I'm considering speech therapy as a career, and think how many clients I would have if everyone spoke like that! Plus, I'd feel like I had a great voice in comparison to the rest of the world.

Would I rather have tastebuds on my butthole or poo through my mouth? Charming. Definitely number one. Considering how terrible vomiting is, I don't really want anything else terrible coming out that way.

Would I rather always have to say everything that's on my mind or never be able to speak again? Another easy one. I would like to speak, please. Perhaps always being forced to tell the truth would actually be a good thing. The root of most problems seems to be a lack of communication, and honesty could actually be a very good thing. Maybe it would keep us from acting in a way that requires us to lie. So, yes, I would like to speak. Although, technically, I could get around this question by never speaking again and just singing everything...

Would I rather be itchy or sticky for the rest of my life? Again, I found this one pretty easy. I hate the feeling of being sticky. It's so disgusting. I'd much rather be itchy and get the relief from scratching. What relief would there be to eternal stickiness? Gross!

Would I rather eat a bowl of vomit or lick a hobo's foot? Again, easy. Lick the foot. Dirt can't be that harmful, right?

Would you rather go through life with a perpetual coldsore on your mouth or booger hanging from your nose? Okay, slightly harder. I'd probably choose the coldsore, though, because I find that less disgusting. The booger would probably set off my gagging (again, it's not hard).

Number 8: would you rather watch your parents have sex every day for the rest of your life or join in once to stop it? See my last post with a "would you rather" quiz; I already answered and my answer is the same!

Would you rather smell like eggs when you burp or have a green cloud appear when you fart? Oh, this one is more difficult. However, I suppose there's still the hope that the eggs smell good, like scrambled eggs? Either way, the source is less determinable, and I pretty much never burp. So, option A it is.

Would you rather have the hiccups for the rest of your life or always feel like you have to sneeze without being able to? Oh, gosh. This one actually is hard. I think I would choose hiccups, though. Yes, it would be really annoying. Yes, it would be hard to sing or sleep or really relax. However, the feeling of not being able to sneeze is horrible, and there would be no relief! So, I have to go with the hiccup option.

Would you rather only be able to listen to Nickelback songs or reread all 56 pages of the iTunes terms and conditions every day for the rest of your life? I don't think Nickelback is as terrible as everyone seems to think, especially considering the other crap people seem to think passes as music. However, that being said, I don't think I could give up the large variety of beautiful songs in the world for such a small selection of songs. I think I would waste my life quickly reading those terms and conditions.

Would you rather live like a king but have no friends and family, or be homeless with your friends and family? Easy, easy. I'd be homeless with my friends and family. I love them too much to give them up, even for all the riches of a king. I think we could have fun in any situation if we were together. That being said, I think we may need to move to a warmer climate...

Would you rather eat a potato and feel its pain, or be a potato? I'd rather be a potato. Who knows? It could be enlightening. Or, alternatively, I could have no consciousness at all. Either way, I wouldn't have to feel the pain and suffering of something else. So, yeah, I'd be a potato.

Would you rather have vaginas for ears or penises for fingers? Weird, weird question. However, I think I like my fingers. Maybe it's because I'm a woman, but I didn't even have to think about this question. Vaginas for ears please. However, I would rather not have a period from my ears. I'm hoping that isn't part of this choice. Still, vaginas for ears wins.

Fifteen: a goat-sex question that I answered in my previous post like this one. Again, see that if you're curious.

Would you rather pry off your thumbnail with a fork, or put a toothpick under your toenail and kick a wall? Oh my God, who thinks of these questions? Gross! Still, thumbnail with a fork is drawn out, and kicking the wall is quick. I'll take the quick one, please! Plus, they didn't specify that I would have to kick with my toe, so maybe I'll kick the wall with my heel, or the bottom or top of my foot.

Would you rather know when you're going to die or how you're going to die? Another simple one. I would rather know when I'm going to die. That way I can be prepared and make the most of the time I have, rather than living with major paranoia.

They called this quiz impossible, but only a couple of these questions were actually really difficult. Come on, Buzzfeed! Step it up a notch!

-Laura

What I Would Do if I Ate a Worm

You know those little packets of dead bugs you can sometimes find in candy stores?
I distinctly remember looking at those for the first time. Wrinkling my nose, I thought to myself "Who in their right minds would want to eat that?"
Fast forward ten years or so, where you find me and Julia in a candy store. With a smile and a laugh I drew Julia's attention to a packet of barbecue flavoured worms. Five minutes later, she'd bought them.
I'm honestly not sure why we bought the damn things. Perhaps we were feeling adventurous. Maybe we were just bored. I was rather amused that I'd convinced Julia to buy them as we walked out of the store- until I realized that now I, too, would now have to eat the creatures. What goes around comes around, I suppose.
Within a minute or two the full realization of what we were about to do set upon the both of us. We looked one another in the eye. We opened the pack of worms. Sniffed them.
They were just small things- maybe a centimetre and a half long and a few millimetres wide. All of them were bone dry and coated in some odd orange barbecue flavouring. It still hadn't quite dawned on either me or my sister that we'd have to genuinely eat them.
Together, we selected one each from the pack. "Are we really going to do this?" Julia asked. I nodded. Gulped. "3," Julia said. "Two. One!"
Now, I have long lived by the philosophy that the best way to get something done is to just do it. And so, without hesitation, I threw the worm into the side of my mouth and quickly chewed.
You know what? It wasn't actually all that bad.
All that you could taste was the barbecue flavouring, which I actually found to be quite pleasant. There are only a few complaints I had with the worms; one, they were too dry, although the alternative would be much less appealing. Two, something- perhaps their skulls, I don't know- got stuck on my tongue for a few seconds after I'd swallowed the main body. That left only the thought as the final unpleasant bit about eating the worms.
Overall, I was amazed at how good they actually were, considering the complete repulsion to the idea most people have. They were tolerable enough, in fact, that me and Julia then both had three more to justify the $4.50 purchase. That said, one thing is for certain.
Next time I go to the candy store, I'll stick with the chocolate.

Thanks for reading,

-Mark

What I Would do if I had to go out Dancing

I'm going to let you in on a little secret that's not so secret if you know me personally at all.

I hate dancing.

Actually. Nothing ignites the fire of hatred in my heart like having to dance, particularly in a public, club situation.

My hatred for dancing goes way back. I guess I liked it when I was three and did creative dancing. Then I moved to Edmonton and started tap. I have a distinct memory of hiding in my mother's closet until she let me quit. Then I tried Irish because a friend did it. I have distinct memories of loathing that and also quite a lot of crying. Then came Ukrainian dance. Lord, did I hate that. I have a slightly over-sized backside, and while I'm told as an adult that this is an attractive feature, I remember crying because the instructor kept telling me that I had a "banana butt" and to "tuck it in", which was actually impossible (like, sorry, lady, I literally can't make my butt shrink).

Finally, around the age of 10 or 11, I quit dance and never looked back. Seriously, hated it. So much.

But then, I did musical theatre, which involves - you guessed it - dancing! The worst experience I had was in Legally Blonde, when I had to play a promiscuous character who did a lot of promiscuous dancing, when I was probably the most innocent 17 year old on the entire planet. And, of course, there are still school dances and social dances that inevitably pop up, and I'm just not comfortable with the whole grinding or bobbing on the spot bullshit that passes as dancing in public spaces in this day and age.

In short, moving my body in any graceful manner is extremely difficult for this introvert who would really like to just disappear in many social situations that don't even involve having to make up some weird bobbing that matches everyone else. Like seriously, I can't even shimmy! I end up wiggling my hips (true story, true affliction). My body and I are pretty much on opposite planets.

I'm pretty sure both of these girls are at about my dancing ability.

So, yes, if you were to drag me out dancing I would:

1. Hate you forever. 

2. Try to get away with hiding in a corner, hopefully with multiple drinks and a book. 

3. Drink multiple drinks before you could get me to even attempt dancing. 

4. Then probably loathe every second of it, unless I'm sufficiently tipsy to the point where I don't give a f***. 

In short, do NOT take me dancing if you want to stay on my good side. 

-Laura