What I Would do if I Could Invent Anything for Choirs

Surprisingly enough, this is not a music rant.

This is not an "I would invent an extra pair of eyes to watch the conductor" or an "I would invent a potion to give everyone perfect pitch".

No, this is far more practical.

For any of you who don't sing in choirs, this may be an issue you've never thought about. Well, think about it now. Do you know what it's like to stand on risers, perfectly still, totally cramped, for sometimes up to two hours?

Let me tell you, it's horrible. It's especially horrible for me because I have chronic back pain, but it's also especially bad for women in general, because choral concerts generally involve fancy clothes. Fancy clothes for women almost always involve high heels. Standing in high heels, even "comfortable" ones like character shoes, becomes so painful when you stand there for two hours straight. First your toes start to hurt. Then they fall asleep. Then your feet go numb and pain shoots up your leg and back. And walking? Well, you will fall over when you try to move again, my friend.

In short, if I could invent anything for choirs, it would be fancy-looking high heels that are actual slippers made of foam. Also, not that horrible hard foam, but the really soft stuff that squishes down and shapes to your feet. So, basically slippers. Oh, God, that sounds beautiful.

Never, ever, stop appreciating the privilege of sitting.

-Laura

P.S.

If formal dress wasn't necessary and there was no judgment, let's be real; I'd be wearing these.

The British Library

 Well, my schedule is messed up. Both of my these last two posts have been a day late, which breaks the rules terribly. Sorry about that. I'll try to get this up and running again tomorrow.

Today, I'll be bringing you an extremely quick post. Time is a precious commodity on a European vacation, and I havn't made my full eight hours of sleep since Wednesday or Thursday last week. I highly doubt that will change tonight, but I can dream, right?

Yesterday, I went to perhaps my favorite site in London thus far. After spending the day in the British Museum, me and my parents had only two more things planned for the day; Kings Cross station, and the British Library. 

                                

 One of my better pictures from the  British Museum.

Kings cross, as it turns out, was actually rather disappointing. Platform 9 and 3/4 was not a platform at all, but a tourist-oriented sign stuck in a wall someplace unrelated to that shown in the movie. Worse, there was a crowd of perhaps 50 individuals crowded around this useless sign, and so we skipped it all together. The real area between platforms nine and ten, we later found out, is terribly modern anyway.

With the station labelled a bust, we headed onwards to the British Library. Before we entered the display room, my dad informed me that there were, loosley quoted, "countless wonders" to be seen inside. For my part, I simply nodded and kept on walking. Everything in this country had countless wonders. What could this place offer that was special? The answer; books.

And as stupid as this sounds, I was actually more amazed by books that they had on display there then any of the museums or monuments I've been seeing over the last few days. They had some of the first bibles ever printed. They had an original copy of Beowolf. There were dozens of ancient, beautifully illustrated and preserved books, with the writing as clear as you might expect a ten year old book to be, as opposed to a novel hundreds or thousands of years old.

I didn't have my ipad to take pictures with (assuming we were allowed too do so), and so I couldn't take any photos to display here. This was a shame, as I would have liked to take pictures of some very early musical compositions for laura. There were hand-drawn sheets of medieval music, some of the first printed music, and even hand-written lyrics to yesterday written out by the Beatles. 

My favorite section, however, came not with the music or religious texts on display. Instead, it came from the contemporary novels that could be found there. I've already mentioned Beowolf. There were also novels from authors like Virginia Woolfe, and Charles Dickens. Jane Austen's writing desk. The problem was, I could hardly read there unintelligible scrawl! Perhaps that's why, in the end, I was drawn to a telegram sent by an author who I forget the name of to his friend. In it, he talked about the play Waiting for Goudot, and I believe that he later went on to become a playwright himself. I found it funny- and perhaps a little embarrassing- when at the end the author signed off with something along the lines of 'I note that you didn't reply to my last telegram. I rather think you should have, if only because it took me a f#$king long time to type out." Interesting how he spends the whole letter calmly describing his life, and then drops the f-bomb like that!

But why was I embarrassed? My sisters might know why. Because, as much as I enjoy reading them, I'm terrible at responding to e-mails. So I'm sorry, Laura.

The library had so many books, it would be impossible to describe them all here. In fact, the total collection is apparently in excess of 150 million books! From what I understand, every book published in the UK has one copy sent to the library. That is clearly insane. Brilliant, but insane. Can I work there?

Overall, the library was an amazing experience. To see the amount of effort that went into these works, and see mint-condition (1) novels that I'd only ever heard about, was awe-inspiring. If you care at all for books, and happen to find yourself in London, do yourself a favour and check this place out. Alternatively, you can find digital copies of many of the books on the British Library's website. And you can actually flip the pages!

Thanks for reading,

-Mark

(1;) Mint condition; a numismatic term referring to a coin that is in a similar condition to when it was first struck, or minted. (I went through a coin-collecting phase a year or two back. Sorry about the random terminology. Then again, since me and Laura are the only ones who read this blog, and mint-condition is a reasonably common term that can refer to more then just coins, I feel this definition is close to useless. I already know what it means, and Laura's no fool, so... Anyways.)

What I Would do if I Caught the Person who Leaves Nail Clippings in the Practice Rooms

It all started in September or October.

I was practicing in the practice rooms in the deep, dark basement that is kept creepily under lock and key and occasionally has rats die in the lockers (true story). Singing is a strange thing that often involves physical exercises to strengthen certain abdominal muscles, which often involves sitting on the floor. Imagine my disgust, then, when I looked to the side and saw a scattering of nails next to my head. I made my worries known to the other music students, and assumed that was the end.

Then, today, I was practicing in a different room when, lo and behold, there were nails next to the piano bench, pushed into the corners (yes, that really helps, thank you), and just all around. Seriously, who does that?! Why would you not take care of personal grooming at home?!

Exhibit B:

Super gross, right?

Anyway, on that note, and also because I have horrible cramps that are turning me into a mega-monster-bitch-thing, I just have to write what I would do to the culprit:

1. Force them to do exercises with their hair sitting in a pile of nails. Or, you know, have them walk over them in sock or bare feet. Just so they can realize how disgusting this is. 

2. Have a very long talk with them about what is and is not appropriate to do in the practice rooms. If they have bad anxiety and are biting their nails, fine. I can sympathize. However, it's only respectful to the next musician or custodial staff member in the room to throw out the nails afterwards.

3. On that note, I would have them repeat the short walk from the practice room to the garbage can in the hall for an hour. Running. No breaks. 

4. I would have them pick up each and every nail from that floor and put it in that garbage can. 

5. I would have them write a formal apology to all of us. 

6. I would force them to endure hour long lessons about logic, respect, and personal hygiene each week. And maybe have a serious talk with their parents for not enforcing these lessons during their childhood.

I was thinking of exposing them to the rest of the world, but that seems too cruel. I feel cruel enough saying this, actually. I would probably just ask them nicely to stop, but it's nice to dream. Besides, asking them nicely may still result in a boiling volcano of rage in my gut. Seriously, who does this?! And what possesses them to do it?

Sorry, end of my rant. Long story short, throw out your goddamn finger (or toe) nails.

-Laura

What I Would Do if I Wrote a Post from the United Kingdom

Hi again!

I'm afraid that I'm going to be breaking the two rules this blog has in no less then two days. First, I didn't post yesterday (shh... Laura doesn't need to know a thing). Now today, I'm veering completely off of our theme!

Nevertheless, I beleive you'll forgive me if I keep a bit of an online diary of my trip to England. Memories fade fast, so you have to take action. Besides, I can make Laura jealous! ;)

Thursday afternoon, me and my parents all headed out to the airport to fly over to the land of tea and crumpets (sorry if I insult you, UKer's. I love you, I promise). It was a quick flight down to smelly Calgary (sorry if I insult you, Calgarians. You actually weren't smelly in the least, but my city and yours have a rivalry to uphold), and then we settled down for an eight-hour flight to London.

The flight went off without much of a hitch. I managed to get to sleep fairly easily and only woke up once, giving me a respectable 4 or five hours of sleep. By the time we made it to England, it was only 12:00 or so... or about  6:00 AM back home. That meant that we had plenty of time before bed, and we took it. We walked around Westminster Abby, Big Ben, and a half dozen monuments to random historic figures. We saw parks, headed into a Starbucks for lunch, and looked at yet more monuments of dead people. Only then was it time for the highlight of the day; an international soccer match.

It just so happened that on the day we got in, England's national football team was playing Lithuania's. Me and my dad joined eighty-three thousand others and headed over to Wembley stadium. Let me tell you; it was amazing.

Not only did we see the stars that I've only ever seen on TV in person, but we got some of the best seats we could have gotten to do so. Me and my dad made bets, they did some cheesy opening ceremony with floats and marching bands, and the whistle blew.

Now, let me interupt my commentary here to express my complete and utter amazement at one aspect of Wembley Stadium. More then anything else, I was impressed by the amazing, near perfection of their urinals! 

Now, let me tell you, urinals can be annoying. To be perfectly honest, I don't think that most guys actually like them as much as they pretend to. I'll be honest, and perhaps sacrifice some of my masculenity, when I tell you that I much prefere to sit and pee then stand and do so, for several reasons.

A) You can multitask while sitting, if you get what I mean. Two thing out at once!

B) It's more comfortable sitting down.

C) It's very difficult to read a book standing up. 

D) At public urinals, you're standing awkwardly beside another guy trying to aim. I mean, both of you are grabbing your private part and peeing in full veiw of one another! You can see why this is an unpleasent scenario for both parties.

E.) Girls, if you don't know this, then prepare to be forever grossed out by males. There's no toilet paper around urinals, so the only thing you can do is shake "it" and return "it" to it's rightful area. But you can't get every drop with the shake. Some goes back into a slight hole. So... yeah. This post is getting extremely awkward.

Anyways, I was just impressed at the functionality of thpse British urinals! Instead of the usual individual urinals, the Stadium had one extremely long toilet that everone could do their business in. Water flowed down constantly to take away your waste. Now, I don't know why I was impressed by this, but I was in urinal heaven.

Getting back to the game, England easily crushed Lithuania 4-0. Dad won the bet, and we went back to the hotel.

Speaking of which... the hotel is weird. You know the little drains they have on sinks? In my hotel, the way you get the water to drain is by pushing one side of the drain so that it flips up. There's no removing the drain- it just twirls around when you press it. As well, the drain is situated in a washroom which has doors like a walk in closet. Weird, right?

And there are more strange British things! You probably already know that the British drive on the wrong side of the road. But did you know that the doors on almost any given building open in instead of out? I personally was shocked by this. I mean... why? Even worse, our hotel is the one exception to this rule, which totally throws me off.

By today, at least I'd half gotten used to these things. We toured through Westminster Abby today, and I was surprised to find so many famous individuals buried there. James Wolfe, for instance, who died in Quebec (how do you do accents on letters? Sorry Quebecers) fighting in the seven years war. I was also able to soak up the creative genuise of writers such as Charles Dickens over in the poets corner. If this post is even better then usual, then that's why.

After the abby was the Churchill museum and war rooms, which both were impresssive. Having long admired Churchill, it was fascinating to learn more about him. For example, did you know that his parents were neglecting ones and he once escaped a prisoner of war camp? Also, that dude is uncannily lucky. He almost died more times then Hitler.

After the war rooms we called it an early day, and that's where we are now. I'd love to tell you more- there were many things I missed or glossed over for lack of time. I'd like to tell you how I'm rather angry, because it turns out that England hasn't rolled it's clocks forward again and so I'll have to go through daylight savings again, but I don't have the time. I'd also love to tell you that I was happy to see a bunch of drunk, overly loud Americans draped in flags, hollering their national anthem in an airport and making fools of their country, but I don't have time. Finally, I'd like to say sorry to Americans because they made up half of our readers, but I don't have time. Besides, we've got a rivalry to uphold. (By the way, people who don't know; Canadians and Americans really don't like each other that much. Sure, we pretend to like each other if we meet on the street, but when a group of Canadians are together, our good-natured attitude to our neighbors to the south crumbles slightly, and joles and imitation abound. Honestly, though, American reading this; we like you. It's your country in general and the negative things that seem to come out of it that we don't like. If we were to meet you, I'm sure that you'd be nice.)

Well people, I should probably call it a day now before I loss any more sleep or this blog loses any more readers. Until next time, thanks for reading.

-Mark

What I Would (not) do if I Were a Guy with a Girlfriend II

I enjoyed Julia's post on this so much that I decided to do one of my own. You may be surprised that I have more to add to Julia's list, but, amazingly, I can scrape some additional things together:

1. I would not cry more than my girlfriend. Let me tell you, I cry very easily. There's nothing wrong with crying in my books; in fact, I think it's good to let out emotion if you need to. However, I have to say that dealing with a boyfriend who cries more than I do (when I am both depressed and very emotional) can be pretty difficult. Cry when you need to, but please don't throw constant tantrums!

2. I would not continually put my girlfriend down and pick fights. Really, that's something that should be avoided generally with everyone, but if fights are necessary, I wouldn't keep my girlfriend up until all hours of the morning while I cried on the other end of the phone. I would also avoid saying deliberately cruel things to make her upset.

3. I would not get angry at my girlfriend if I had a dream that she cheated on me. Trust is a good thing. 

4. I would not cheat on my girlfriend or make jokes about cheating on my girlfriend or try to make my girlfriend jealous to test the degree of her feelings.

5. I would not harass my ex-girlfriend for months after she broke up with me. I might take the fact that she broke up with my gracefully instead of attempting to ruin her life. 

6. I'd avoid generally childish behaviour like moping and prank-calling my girlfriend/ex-girlfriend. 

7. I would respect my girlfriend's limits. 

8. I would avoid all sexist comments and accept my girlfriend as my equal. There's no bigger turn off than sexism. 

9. I would not make my girlfriend feel like she owed me anything. 

10. I would avoid making racist, unkind, judgmental comments and spreading constant negativity. And embarrassing my girlfriend in public through such comments.

In short, I would try very hard to not be a jerk. There are more things to put on the list (amazing, right?) but I feel guilty enough for just posting this. Still, I hope this was an entertaining read and all of us can commiserate about our past failed relationships! At the very least, I hope we can all learn something about our own standards (and what we won't ever do to our partners).

-Laura

What I Would do if I Could Impart Some General Musical Knowledge on the World

The time has finally come; I'm finally writing my musical rant post. This could be long, so I may have to just cut to the chase:

1. There are many wonderful operas in the world. However, regardless of the fact that the title has the word "opera" in the name, Weber's "Phantom of the Opera" is NOT an opera. It is a musical. In the future, when asked what your favourite opera is, please find an actual opera. Please, when I say I study opera, do not ask me to sing something from this. It is an entertaining piece, if somewhat musically simplistic. Full operatic training is not required. Please, please do your research!

2. As a music student, I do not "have fun" all day. God, it's kind of the opposite. I spend hours in practice rooms. I get emotionally destroyed many days a week. I deal with constant stress and criticism. I spend hours on exercises, even just humming, to work on getting technique right. There's a lot more to studying music than just sitting in a circle and sharing warm and fuzzy feelings. Trust me, that does not happen. We all work our asses off and have to deal with being torn apart daily as both musicians and as people. Trust me, it gets personal. If you assume our program is easy, please, become a music student. It's not as much of a utopia as it may sound.

3. Alright, I'm going to turn mega music snob for a minute. Sure, there are many different voices and vocal techniques. However, many modern vocal techniques are destructive. Those pop singers you listen to on the radio? Most are auto tuned, and most are destroying their voices from improper technique. Think about it... when you shout that high, your vocal chords are slamming together and taking all sorts of abuse. People can have different "voices", but 99% percent of the time the differences come from technical issues. I'm not saying that you can't appreciate it, but take it with a grain of salt. Maybe it's because I'm studying it, but I just find it so difficult to listen to such artificial and destructive sounds. There's something so wonderful about listening to a healthy voice and the projection and colour that comes from technical prowess.

4. Classical music is not boring. Often, I have to wonder if we're listening to the same thing when people tell me that they find classical music dull. Operas can be dull (cough, Turandot, cough) but there are some amazing one! Classical music is pure emotion preserved on a page and translated to an audience when performed well. I highly recommend art song for those of you getting into the classical world. Look up the words and listen. Composers use amazing techniques. For example, listen to Gretchen am Spinnrade by Schubert. You can hear the spinning wheel turning in the piano part and a constant drive mimicking Gretchen's obsessive thoughts. Instrumental music is amazing too. I love vocal music because that's my niche, but there are wonderful instrumental pieces. God, I so wish I could lend you my ears. There are some chord progressions that are just so gorgeous that they send chills down your spine. There are a million things to listen for and often a story behind each piece. Seriously, give classical music a chance!

Okay, that's my rant for today. I'm sure I'll think of more things, but those are some main ones. I hope everyone is having a good week. Cheers!

-Laura

What I Would do if I Had do Apologize to my Brother

Well, I have to admit, this is a little bit awkward. 

Remember, Russian Robot, how I was the one to start this blog? And to set several rules:

1) stick to the theme and 

2) don't miss your posting day.

Yes, that's why this is awkward. 

My one excuse is that I'm depressed (clinically), exhausted, overworked, stressed, etc, but, I know, I need to step up my game. Plus, it was difficult enough trying to get our third blogger to post... it ended up being too difficult for her to stick with consistently, and thus we have returned to our original state of the dynamic duo (with perhaps an occasional guest post from our sister). 

So, with great embarrassment, here is my apology:

Dearest, darlingest, brother of perfection,

I have wronged you. Yes, Julia wronged both of us as well, but, as the creator of this blog, I should hold myself to the highest of professional standards. Please forgive me for my inactivity for the last week... or two...? I don't even know. Point being, please forgive me. 

Love,

Laura 

(P.s. You actually have to forgive me since I forgave you for breaking rule #1) ;)

-Laura

What I Would Do if I was Choosing a High School III

Hello, world. It is currently 11:40.

It is also the day before I'm supposed to sit in school and say, once and for all, what high school I'm going to. Julia, in the end, called it with her comment on my last high school post. My decision is now final, and I suppose it was then as well. Jasper Place, here I come! Rebel pride, people.

As scary as all this is, I'm happy to say that something came up last night which made me more comfortable about my decision, which is this; in 2005, Maclains magazine named Jasper Place high school as THE BEST FREAKING OVERALL HIGHSCHOOL IN CANADA! So hey, who can really blame me for going there?

So tonight, I'm sitting uneasily with my final decision seemingly made. In fact, I'm uneasy for a lot of reasons. First of all, I'm not sure I can fit in all of the options I want to take at JP without summer school. I want to take drama, because drama is super fun. I want to take creative writing, because I want to be proficient in this whole writing thing. And I also want to take French, because as much as I hate it I don't want to throw away nine years of study and it's also required if I want to take full IB, which I do. So I'll just have to figure that out when representatives from JP come to my school tomorrow to help the potential JP kids register.

Another reason why I'm stressed? We have a school play rehearsal tomorrow, which is rather intense because opening night is in less then a month. I also really should have tried to find more pieces to my costume tonight, and gone over the one or two lines that I always forget onstage.

Finally, I went out to a movie tonight and slacked off on one or two pieces of (albeit non-essential) homework, which hopefully won't get me in trouble tomorrow. I had a bit of a "meh" moment in that aspect, due to the fact that A. I couldn't really do that last bit of homework without getting stink eye from the parents, B. It's late and I don't feel like working late into the night again, and C. It all seems slightly pointless, as not only is the material useless but much of it I already know and I've already got e marks I need to get into the top classes in high school. 

Combine all of this with a weekend of time-wasting, and you get one rather down, rather tired looking boy who doesn't even have time to edit this post or last nights post do to the fact that it's now three minutes to ten. Yes, it's a rather blue scene over at my end. Tomorrow is looming large and intimidating, and you know what makes it all the more depressing? I'll have to face it on less then seven and a half hours of sleep.

Thanks for reading,

-Mark 

What I Would Do if I did One New Thing Every Day that Scared Me II

First of all...
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry!
I've now missed two posts in a row. And yes... I'm sorry! I only realized that it was my turn to post at 11:55PM for the first one, and the second time I was away at a sleepover and couldn't get away to write. To say sorry for that, I'm posting today to supplement whoever else is supposed to post's post. Speaking of which... both of my sisters missed a day last week, too. Whats going on?!
Anyways, we're back. Of course, I always read my sisters posts, and yesterday Laura posted an idea that jumped out at me. I'll be stealing her idea today, although it must be said that Julia's last post was one of the best seen on this blog so far. I would steal her idea, but, well... I've never had a boyfriend and highly doubt that I will ever feel the need to get one. So that left me with Laura's idea to steal, which I'll do now.
I've always liked the idea that you should challenge yourself a little each day. If you don't push yourself, then how are you supposed to improve? However, I'm one of those people that does a lot of thinking and not so much doing. I need something to push me into action. And that's where this blog comes in! Almost identically to Laura's post, I'll be writing down what I attempt to challenge myself with over the next week. The day is still young in Edmonton, which gives me nearly twelve hours to find something that I'm scared to do. Until then, stay tuned for more updates!

Day 1: Call my voice teacher.
Like Laura, I'm terrible for calling people of authority. Despite being a patient and encouraging woman, my voice teacher is also rather intimidating. So this counts!
Day 2: Wear a funky new hairstyle to school.
I've never been much for styling my hair. In fact, in grade seven I truly took pride in the fact that I didn't give a damn what my hair looked like that day. However, this past Christmas I received a little box of hair gel and two combs in my stocking. Figuring that Santa was trying to tell me something, I've since made some conservative hairstyling attempts. I'd never worn them to school, however... before this day!
Day 3: Commit to a high school and sign myself up for summer school.
Jasper place it is. When registering at school, I was rather distressed to find out that I couldn't take both drama and writing without also taking summer school. Given the choice between the two, I felt like I could either go into a class that guaranteed fun and increased my chances for a decent spot in the play, or I could learn new techniques to get better at what I love to do at home. In the end, I couldn't sacrifice either. The unthinkable has occurred; Mark Jones, former hater of school, just voluntarily signed up for even more schooling. Whoopee.
Day 4: Uh... don't do anything exiting?
Now, don't get all angry here. The wrath of my readers scares me, so by running the risk of making the Russian robots mad I'm actually terrified.
Days 5, 6 and 7: Forget about this post, only to come back in May and feel guilty. I need to have better discipline, guys and gals... I'm sorry. I really should stop giving myself reason to feel that way.

Thanks for reading,

-Mark

(Update;  No, I don't know where my sisters are either. We should really create some sort of punishment system, eh? Like they have to go through one of the twenty-four hour challenges that I've tried once or twice. What do you think?)

What I Would do if I Did One (New) Thing Each Day That Scared Me

You know how everyone always says to do one thing a day that frightens you?

Well, I've always thought that was a really, really stupid philosophy. I mean, things in every day life scare me: voice lessons, large crowds, loud noises! The world is full of terrifying things without seeking them out.

But, this week, I think I'm going to give this theory a chance.

Day 1 (Thursday): Getting the cartilage of my ear pierced: check! Today, while at the mall, I spontaneously decided to put a hole through my ear. Damn, it hurts, but it was totally worth it!

Day 2 (Friday): Fortunately or unfortunately, I have a whole list of frightening things for tomorrow. First I have a lesson, after being unable to practice for several days due to mother nature's grudge against Halifax (we're pretty much buried alive). Yeah, even stepping outside could be a little bit terrifying. Then, in the evening, I'm going to see a movie with my sister and a friend of hers, which is terrifying because I may or may not have chatted with said friend via POF before just ending all responses when I decided I had no desire for a boyfriend after all. So... yes, that will be very awkward!

Day 3 (Saturday): Attempt to book a doctor's appointment. Yes, calling people on the phone can be a bit frightening, especially since they're so often mean and irritable on the other end.

Day 4 (Sunday): TBA

Day 5 (Monday): TBA

Day 6 (Tuesday): TBA

Day 7 (Wednesday): TBA

Sorry to be dull, but my bed is calling me, and I can just update this on Sunday when I next write. Cheers!

-Laura

What I Would (Not) Do If I Were A Guy With A Girlfriend

Tonight's post is inspired by a conversation I had with Mark today, and also by recent life experience. For all of you avid readers out there (in other words, Mark and Laura), I've recently been through a breakup, which has got me thinking a lot about relationships and what guys should and should not do ... ok, to be honest, mostly what they should NOT do.

Brace yourselves - it's a long list!

1. I would not burp or fart loudly and frequently in my girlfriend's presence, or in anyone's presence for that matter. Disgusting bodily gasses are quite the turnoff, and really, it's just a matter of common courtesy.

2. I would be polite towards my girlfriend's friends and family members. After all, if none of the people who are close to your girlfriend like you, you most likely won't last. These people know your girlfriend well and probably have a good idea of what type of guy is a good match for her, and chances are he's not a rude jerk.

3. I would not ignore my girlfriend in social situations including other people.

4. I would not nitpick everything my girlfriend did.

5. I would not insist on always doing what I wanted instead of what my girlfriend wanted. Going out is fun and all, but if my girlfriend preferred a quiet night in, I would say yes to that.

6. I would not constantly talk about how popular/well-endowed/charismatic/athletic I was.

7. I would make sure that my actions matched my words.

8. I would not bully people in front of my girlfriend. Or anyone, ever, because bullying is just wrong in every possible way.

9. I would be considerate when my girlfriend was really exhausted and would not pressure her to do things involving staying up late into the night.

10. I WOULD NOT GO ON DRUNKEN RAMPAGES IN MY GIRLFRIEND'S APARTMENT.

That is all.

-JJ

What I Would do to Barbies

Julia's post yesterday took me on a trip down memory lane. For me, when I think of childhood games,  the main thing that comes to mind is the hours and hours Julia and I spent in the basement playing barbies. Seriously, mom and dad could never get us out of bed for school, but on the weekends? We were up at 6 am to play with our barbies and only came up for meals. It was so much fun!

However, if I were a small child now, I would not choose to play with barbies. Why, you ask? Because they're terrible now! The barbies all look so fake (seriously, their eyes are like half of their faces and the amount of "make-up" they have on make them look like drag queens) and seem to be very poorly made. I have an inkling that they would fall apart within seconds. Of course, our barbies fell apart, but usually because of things like throwing them over the banister when we got into an argument. Otherwise, they fell apart of years and years of use (I'll never forget that time we put a barbie in a chair and her legs fell off). The last one I think I ever got had his legs fell off just from taking off of his pants. Clearly, there is a manufacturing problem. So, this is what I would do to Barbies:

1. Make them like they were when I was young. God, that makes me sound so old! But, seriously. I would make them look a little bit more natural in terms of make up and facial proportions.

2. Make them virtually indestructible. It's no fun when they fall to pieces. Many a tear has been shed over a poorly made barbie in my house.

3. I'd provide more variety in terms of body proportions and race. I personally think that what people say about barbies destroying children's body image is idiotic (I certainly wasn't thinking about that), but we might as well appease them. In any case, it would provide more casting variety for our games!  Sure, changing clothes would be more difficult, but maybe it would be worth it just to remind everyone that not all people are built exactly the same.

Those are really the main ones. Anyway, it makes me sad that children don't play with barbies anymore, but can you really blame them? They just aren't made very well anymore. Step up your game, barbie people!

-Laura

What I Would Do If I Were in a Harry Potter Computer Game

Harry Potter computer games were a big part of my childhood. And by that, I mean that large parts of my weekends would be spent barricaded in the attic with my eyes glued to the computer screen, trying my best to save the Philosopher's Stone/get out of the Chamber of Secrets alive/travel back in time without being eaten by a werewolf. I only mention the first three games because even though I look back now and see how terrible the graphics were, I had so much fun exploring Hogwarts, collecting goodies, and pretending that I lived in the wizarding world for a few hours (ok, who am I kidding, I pretended that I lived in the wizarding world all the time). Plus when the graphics actually improved in game four, the gameplay became so much less fun.

So anyway, if I could magically transport myself into any of the first three Harry Potter games, this is what I would do:

1. I would spend most of my time running around the castle collecting Bertie Bott's beans, cauldron cakes, pumpkin pasties, and other goodies. To avoid getting fat from all of the sweets, I would then trade them all to Fred and George for wizard cards (ok, I might eat one or two ... plus all of the running and jumping around the castle would probably burn a few calories).

2. I would be the perfect student and collect all of the challenge stars, just so that I could go to the BONUS BEAN ROOM!

3. I would totally volunteer to do the challenge in Lupin's class before any of the other students had the chance, because who doesn't want to transform themselves into a dragon or a bunny?

4. I would avoid Malfoy and Peeves like the plague, because they carry firecrackers THAT CAN KILL YOU. Seriously, how do the teachers allow students and poltergeists to carry around lethal firecrackers that they can just throw at unsuspecting students?

5. I would find myself a gnome and carry it with me wherever I went.

6. I would buy a shit ton of flobberworm mucus and wiggentree bark in order to have at least 50 healing potions on me at all times ... you never know when you might run into a giant spider/firecracker-wielding arch-enemy/venomous tentacula/poisonous snail.

7. I would find myself a broom and get myself down to the quidditch pitch, because quidditch seems to be fairly low-risk in the Harry Potter games ... when you lose, you can just replay the level as many times as you want and the loss is forgotten forever!

8. I would fly Buckbeak all the time, just for the music and to hear the amusing thud every time he crashed into something.

9. I would kick ass at the duelling club. Seriously, the other students are GOING DOWN.

10. I would jump off the top floor of the castle to hear Harry (myself?) say "WHOOOOOOAAAAAA-ooooooooo-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-ooooooo" and best of all, I wouldn't die!

- JJ

What I Would Do if I was Choosing a High School II

Laura, you failed at your job!

You told me that you'd email me telling me how I could improve on my posts, after every post. I, of course, offered to do the same for you. (No word on that, though...?) However, you have already failed in your duty. I'm disappointed.

Now, to the post! Where, I'm sad to say, I'm facing a dilemma. 

Although it's near impossible to tell due to my silky-smooth writing abilities, I have not yet entered that vast and foreboding world known as high school. However, the time has come to make a decision as to what school I want to attend. And I'm stumped.

Now, I'm sure that both Julia and Laura are freaking out at the moment, and are preparing their keyboards let their rage descend on me via the comments. Unfortunately, my wonderful sisters, it's true. I'm no longer sure that I want to go to your native high school of Ross Shepard.

Now, let me explain! I may very well still go to Shep. However, after seeing the open houses for both Shep and it's rival, Jasper Place, I must say that JP has also become an attractive option in my mind. I'll say it now, and not again; I'm sorry!

As you may know, I made an earlier post on this blog discussing which of those two schools I should go to. At that time, I'd just finished going to an "Information Night" on the options the two schools had for programs like IB and AP. To be honest, I prefered the JP night, simply because there were less people there, which made for a more personnal experience. Not to mention that they had better food after the presentation. At Shep, the only thing I can really say is that the presentation was mind-blowingly dull.

Still, the information nights are really just precursors to the much more inportant open houses. I went to these hoping they'd finalize my decision. In reality, they only muddled the waters more.

Before the open houses, I was still pretty sure that I wanted to go to Shep. Both of my sisters went there and liked it. It's nearer to my house. Besides, most of my friends are going there.

If we needed more good things to say about Shep, I've heard that it's ranked much higher academically then JP. They also did about five presentations at my junior high school to influence our decision, and made Shep look pretty good. I got to meet some of the teachers at those presentations, too, and they seemed very capable.

But then I went to the open houses.

I couldn't really say why- perhaps it was, again, because JP was less crowded. But JP's open house seemed, to me, much more friendly. Everyone was smiling. Everyone wanted to talk to you. JP exuded the message of "Come! Come!," seemingly without even trying. Shep tried to impress, with drumlines and shouting and "go to Shep" videos. The mood this created, however, was that of forced enthusiasm. JP impressed naturally. There was a buzz of school pride. Over at Shep, the people were too busy dishing out popcorn to really talk about their school. 

Perhaps that was one of the deciding factors, for me- Shep had very few studants that you could talk to, whereas in JP every classroom had somebody smiling and telling you about the school. Of course that's going to make the school seem more attractive.

As for the actual programs offered, from what I can tell JP is an athletics-based school when Shep is more academics-focused. I don't really care either way, as I assume that good grades in either school will get you places. No, what I really care about is the following. Get this; JP has days every couple weeks where they take a break from classes, and instead they are taught other skills by guest speakers. One girl was telling me that they learned how to properly write letters for job applications one day, which seems alot more useful to me then learning the square root of Pi. Or lack thereof.

And get this! You can take a creative writing course at JP. Does anyone you know want to learn more about creative writing?

So, overall, I was much more impressed by JP. And that's my dilemma. Shep is supposed to be better academically... should that influence my decison? And my sisters will kill me if I go to JP. I probably should consider that.

All in all, I almost wish I hadn't gone to the open houses. It's just made my decision harder. So tell me, internet... what am I going to do?

Thanks,

-Mark

What I Would do if I Were a Gazelle

Thank goodness for Mark when I'm going through a dry spell; thanks for the idea!

The month before I turned fifteen, I climbed Mount Kilimanjaro. That climb took six days (and those were probably the best six days of my life), but that's a story for another time. The point of mentioning that was to say that I spent a few days on safari in Tanzania before heading home, which was my first encounter with gazelles. 

So, what I can tell you about gazelles? Well, one thing really comes to mind first; they are, no joke, the stupidest things you will ever see. Whenever they see something dangerous like a lion, they actually are too curious to run away. They just wander on over and only decide to run if the predator starts chasing them. And safari vehicles? They run in a straight line directly in front of them, when they could easily just, you know, run to the left or right and out of the direct path of the vehicle. Conclusion: gazelles are adorable, but also dumb as bricks.

This is their stock expression:

"Oh, hello, are you a lion?"

"Hello, humans!"

"Look, a volcano!"

"Look, the end of the world!"

You can see it now, can't you? Dumb as a brick. 

With that teeny bit of context, I can now tell you exactly what I would do as a gazelle:

1. Die. Yes, there is something truly honourable about believing that you can befriend something that views you as dinner (although whether there is actually any thought process behind approaching lions is debatable). Yes, curiosity can be a wonderful thing. However, I imagine that nothing with such an idiotic expression and blatant lack of logic could survive for long on the savannah. Assuming that I had gazelle brains, I imagine that I would die long before I turned old in addition to brainless. Fortunately, I would at least have the consolation of knowing that I was extremely cute before I died and likely provided tourists with excellent photos of me both living and as a lion's lunch. 

-Laura

What I Would Do if I gave Julia Some Advice

It's happened. This blog has, once more, gained another blogger! Julia Jones has joined her siblings and, if it's anything like the time I joined the blog, the blog will only get better because of it! ;)

First of all, let me just say... hey sis! Glad to have you onboard. It's a historic day in the history of this blog, and will be fondly remembered for centuries to come. Now, Julia, if you're like me first entering the world of What I Would Do, you'll have some questions about what's expected of you. Today, I'll try to answer some of those for you.

First of all, let me tell you that if you're going to be writing here on an even rotation with me and Laura, you're going to be writing a lot. You'll quickly find that due to this, you burn through your ideas quite quickly. And thats okay.

The number one rule on this blog, as I'm sure any readers will soon discover, is that you can post whatever the hell you want to, whether that post is written in approximately thirty seconds or has a topic that nobody in their right mind would want to read. "What I Would Do if I had 100 Words with which to Write a Blog Post" and "What I Would Do if I was a Fly" come to mind. Honestly, we tend to just brush off the lame or badly written posts here because both of us have written our fair share of those. We're cool with them.

Of course, if you sincerely don't have time to write even a crummy post, or you're truly lacking inspiration, you have two options available to you. First of all, you can always call me or Laura up to cover for you. I can't help but feel I get the short end of the stick in this regard, however. I mean, if I really want to sleep at 11:30, then I can't really call you people because it's 2:30AM. You, on the other hand, can always call me before midnight your time and fairly expect me to write a post! So unfortunately, this has caused me to sometimes go with option two.

That option, my dear sister, is a dreaded one. Option two is where you betray your loyal viewers and your siblings, too. Option two is where you do the unthinkable; you don't post at all.

I'll admit it, sometimes it happens. Laura sometimes forgets. I tend to procrastinate until it's too late to write. In this dreaded scenario, our imaginary readers are left hanging. They sit crying at their computers, wishing, hoping, praying that our daily post will arrive to help them through their day. Imagine the pain and sorrow on our imaginary viewers faces when they realize that no such post is coming that night! Don't do that to them, Julia.

Finally, if you're going to write on this blog, recognize that it's a commitment. You will spend long hours typing away at a screen, telling the occasional reader from Belize how to prepare for the zombie apocalypse. You will be frustrated when you're five or so months into writing on the blog and still, no outsider has commented on your work. But believe me when I say, my sister, that there are bright spots along the way. 

We will get to know each other better through our projected reactions to things like turning into Antelopes. We'll write together, and perhaps even improve our writing together. We'll keep up to date with one another. And hey, we might even have a bit of fun.

And so thank you, Julia, for joining the team. I don't even know if you're going to write here regularly, but let me tell you that I hope you do. I mean, it would be super awkward if I wrote this whole post and then you never wrote here again. So... help me out here! 

Until I can speak with you again, thanks for reading Julia, and all of our loyal readers. We've been getting some people from crazy countries lately. Thanks, people in Hong Kong and Morocco!

See you next time,

-Mark

What I Would Do If I Were French

Hi everyone! This is Julia here, the aforementioned "third blogger." After that very kind introduction yesterday, I don't really know what to add except that I would describe myself as a student, a globetrotter, an occasional mountaineer, a bookworm, a runner, and a 22-year-old wannabe adult (I'm trying really hard to master this whole "adult" thing, with variable success). As a French major, I'm also an unabashed francophile, which leads me to the topic of this post.

Over the past four years or so, I've had the opportunity to live in France twice; the first time in Paris, for a grand total of five weeks, and the second time in Dijon, that time for a much more respectable eight months. Now that I'm finishing up my undergraduate degree, I have the opportunity to go back to France for a third time, at least if I get accepted to the teaching assistant program that I applied for! While living in France has given me the chance to learn a lot about the French culture and way of life, especially since I got to live with two different host families and go to a French university and speak French everyday, I've never felt truly "French"; I've always felt like more of an outsider looking in. I'm actually ok with that a lot of the time, considering how bizarre some French customs are! But if I were a Frenchwoman born and raised, my life would probably be quite different ...

1. First of all, I would definitely smoke. Here in Canada, we tend to see smoking as the first step towards lung cancer and a premature death, but in France, smoking is a social activity - no, it's a way of life! It is pretty much impossible to go anywhere or do anything without getting exposed to whiffs of cigarette smoke: walking down the street, sitting in a café, or even going to class (I distinctly remembering sitting inside my classroom in Dijon, trying not to cough due to the teachers' cigarette smoke wafting through the windows and the door. What's more, classes were stopped every hour so that all of the professors could congregate outside and enjoy a cigarette). As much as smoking is kind of gross, though, it was kind of cool to see the professors role their own cigarettes every day - cigarettes are really expensive, so everyone just buys pure tobacco and paper and rolls their own cigarettes to save money! I also noticed that hand-rolled French cigarettes smell a lot better than the cigarettes people smoke here, possibly because they don't contain nearly as many chemicals. In short, although I am a bit too health conscious to smoke, if I were French I would definitely indulge in a cigarette (or two, or three) from time to time!

2. I would complain all the time, about everything, without shame. In Canada, we value a positive attitude, and nobody wants to be around someone who does nothing but complain. In France, however, complaining is practically a national sport! Everything is fair game, from the government to foreigners to immigrants to anglophones to the administration (notice a theme here?). I would therefore feel free to complain about anything I wanted ... or, according to the French, I would feel free to "be realistic."

3. I would enjoy five weeks of paid vacation every year! Yes, you heard that right. FIVE WEEKS OF PAID VACATION. I would most likely use that time to sunbathe on the Mediterranean coast, or maybe head to Normandy or Brittany instead if I felt like saving money.

4. I would be impossibly stylish all the time, and look fabulous in absolutely any clothing item. Ok, so not every French person dresses like a Parisian aristocrat - the fashion in Dijon was a bit sketchy, and I distinctly remember that people seemed to have a weird obsession with skulls - but I can dream, right?

5. I would own a small dog and I would let it poop all over the sidewalks. I would then walk away and make no attempt to clean up the mess, leaving the fresh poo for some unsuspecting pedestrian to step in (probably a tourist, since French people know well enough to watch out for that sort of thing). Actually, I would hope that I would still be a nice enough person to not do this; this is more of a rant against French dog owners. Seriously, CLEAN UP AFTER YOUR DOGS, FRENCH PEOPLE!

6. I would eat copious amounts of pâtisseries and baguette and not get fat. Probably because of the cigarettes I would be smoking. I guess there are some benefits to smoking after all! Or there must be, because how else do French women stay slim when carbohydrates are such a big part of the French diet?

7. I would attempt to speak other languages such as English and fail miserably, merely succeeding in making people laugh at my comical French accent. Ok, to be honest, most people that I encountered spoke at least a little bit of English, and generally it wasn't terrible, but it's a national stereotype that French people are incapable of speaking any language besides French.

I think those are pretty much the main things I would do. As you can see, some aspects of French life seem absolutely fantastic to me (FIVE WEEKS OF PAID VACATION), while others are perplexing or downright frustrating. I'd still do almost anything to give living in France one more shot - the way of life, the history, and the language are just so interesting to me, despite the weird cultural differences. Only another month or so until I know for sure if the French government wants me back!

What I Would do if We Gained a Third Blogger

I wasn't expecting to be writing tonight.

Mark has been trying to get Julia to blog with us for a while, I believe. Finally, yesterday, I made some progress and seemed to convince her. Then, tonight, she decided that she was far too tired to actually write, so here I am!

Yes, I'm feeling as pathetic as that sounds.

However, I am holding onto hope that Julia will, in fact, become our third blogger.

Who is Julia, you ask? Well, if you're new here (aka not our faithful Russian robot), you should know that Julia is our beautiful and talented older sister. I won't tell you all that much, but I will tell you this:

1. Julia is three years older than me and eight years older than Mark.

2. She's crazily creative and a very talented writer in both French and English (yeah, she's pretty much bilingual).

3. She currently lives with me in Halifax, although she won't for much longer!

4. She's pretty awesome and completes our trio very nicely.

So, this is what I would do if we gained Julia as our third blogger:

1. Write her a short introduction (check!).

2. Write a blog post every third day (I would insert a link to Handel's Hallelujah chorus, but I'm currently very anti-Handel, which, in Laura terms, means drawing angry sketches of Handel dying in my choir book while we work on Zadok the Priest).

3. Read super clever and awesome things from a third person and have to step up my game AGAIN.

Anyway, that's all for tonight. Hopefully, you'll hear from Julia tomorrow!

-Laura

What I Would Do to Improve my Writing

All human beings want to improve at what they do. We strive to get better, whether that be in sports or a hobby or people skills or beer-brewing. I'm a human being, and therefore I have similar thoughts- and at the moment, those thoughts are directed on writing.

To me, there are several things that I can do to get better at writing. The four pillars I can think of are;

1. Read.

2. Research 'good' writing technique.

3. Write.

4. Have your writing critiqued.

We read and research to learn from the mistakes and successes of those who came before us. We write to put this new knowledge to good use, and we're critiqued to learn how we can further improve.

As for me, I'm only doing moderately well as far as my four pillars are concerned. I write a fair amount, of course. What do you think I'm doing here? I read fairly often, although my reading levels have been declining lately. As for the research, I'll do an internet search for tips perhaps tri-weekly, and I have a selection of writing books to choose from.

The only category I'm really falling flat on? Having my writing reviewed by others.

Honestly, I have almost no proper knowledge as to what others think of my writing. As for family, we all know that most family members are biased with their ever-positive reviews. The few times my schoolmates have seen something I've written on a school project, they've generally given it good reviews. Of course, they aren't much better then family.

And as for complete strangers reviewing my work, I can think of maybe one incidence that I've had this happen to me, and that incident hardly counts.

So in short, I've only put in half the pieces I need in order to improve my writing. And I want to change that. 

Obviously, I'm not going to get reviews on this blog. We have yet to have any outsiders comment on this thing, despite our 900+ views. (Oh, and by the way... 900 views!) So I can't expect any help from you people. 

So here's the plan. By this time next month, I'll have submitted my writing to at least one competition or site, and see how it fairs. Also... I'll try to ask a favour from Laura. Just give me a minute... I'm going to talk to her now.

A SEGMENT FOR LAURA

Laura, 

you are an awesome sister. You always support me, no matter what I do. I'll love you forever and ever.

Do you know why I love you? Asides from the reasons already listed above, you do things for me like taking me out for hot chocolate. You comfort me when I'm down. And when I ask you to do me a favour, you always do so.

Completely unrelated to that last bit... I was wondering if you could do me a big favour. If you've read this post (and I know you always read my posts... right? If not, I suppose that I'll know by the end of this), you'll know that I need someone to critique my work. And although you are a biased family member, I wonder if you could help to fill that position? If you choose to accept this task, then this is what I would like from you. After you read one of my posts, you could jot down a rating out of ten, some general comments, and perhaps that old school thing of "two positives and a negative." Then you could email or otherwise send me this information.

If you were to do this, then I of course would offer he same service to you if you so desired, wonderful sister.

With love and hope,

Your loving brother,

-Mark

ps... we should call sometime!

END OF SECTION ADDRESSED TO LAURA

There. I think that it'll work, don't you?

In the meantime, I must flop on my bed and sleep. Thanks for reading, and g'night!

-Mark

What I Would do if I Were in a Beauty Pageant

Allow me to start with a disclaimer. I'm really not a fan of beauty pageants, so if you find anything anti-pageant offensive, don't continue reading! :)

This is what I would do:

1. Put up with the boring dress-in-pretty-clothes and perform-weird-things-pretending-that-they-are-talents-that-just-objectify-you-further. I would deal with all of the make-up and other stuff that I frankly hate, just so that I could get to the question period.

2. The dreaded question period. Yes, the one filled with hilarious answers that make lovely youtube videos that will provide humour for ages to come. In this question period, I would, first of all, answer their question semi-intelligently (unless it was an idiotic question like "Would you rather be water or fire?" - yes, that was on a video montage of pageant fails). Then, after that, I would go into an impassioned speech criticizing pageants. Why? Let's see. It's total objectification of women. They can pretend that they're looking for an intelligent and talented woman to win, but, really, they're highlighting the idea that beauty is the most important aspect of a woman. Seriously? Are we still doing that now? Come on! It's so sickening. Do we really want to teach those values to our society? I know I don't. And, if we want any more proof that this is just about physical appearance, look at the categories! I'm fairly certain that there's a swimsuit category. I even saw a few clips of these poor women having to answer their questions while still dressed in swimsuits. So, yes, this just sounds like an excuse to get women 90% naked on television for people to gawk at.

I'm pretty sure they would fire me from pageants forever, but I can't say that I'd mind. I think it would be worth it just to make the point that what they're doing is wrong.

-Laura

What I Would Do if Nobody Would Judge Me

When it comes down to it, almost nobody on this earth has the guts to throw their hands in the air and decide that they no longer care what other people think.

I often wonder if the reason we do anything is to look better in the eyes of others. I personally can vouch for this. My life goal is probably to be remembered after I die, and to do that, I'd need to affect a lot of peoples lives. I'd feel too guilty if I was remembered for making people miserable, so instead I want to help people. To please people. So in the end, my goal in life boils down to pleasing other people.
Now, on one hand I think that trying to please others is a good thing. If everyone tried to be kind to everybody, then I think that the world would be a pretty awesome place. The problem is, you simply can't do that.
And besides, if everything we do is so that other people will be pleased by our actions, then where is the room for trying new, unconventional things?

If I could convince myself that I didn't care at all about what other people thought, then this is what I would do.

1. Spend my time doing what I wanted to do with it. If I felt like running on the treadmill, then by golly I'd run on the treadmill. If I felt like learning what the government wanted me to learn, then I'd go to school. If I wanted to try out some crazy, out-there sleep schedule, then I'd do so. I'd spend my time doing what I wanted to do, whether or not other people thought that it was "proper" or "productive."

2. Seeing as I'd no longer feel obliged to go to school, I'd instead spend my time learning what I wanted to learn. It seems to me that it's a mistake to make every kid in any given province or country learn more or less the same material. This I think just encourages every kid to have a similar way of thinking, and society shouldn't want that. Instead, don't we want to have kids choosing most of their courses to encourage new, innovative ways of thinking? People only get to diverge majorly in their studies when they get to good 'ol university. Ageism!
3. I'd work to get really, really good at something. Even if I needed alone time to do so, even if I needed to crouch in a cave while toiling over one skill or another, I'd master that skill. Goodbye, family. I don't care about you anymore.

All of us are restricted by the fear of being judged by society. That's a problem in todays world; everyone automatically thinks something about somebody the moment they see or hear about them. I don't think we can stop judgement... but I think I know why it occurs. Perhaps the reason we judge is simply because we don't understand other people. Personally, people baffle me. I don't truly understand what makes anyone tick. I certainly don't think that many people on this earth honestly know how I work, either. I don't even know how I work. I mean sure, I'm driven by sugary candy, but there's more to me! I swear!
I think I'll just take a moment here to give a quick shoutout to my sisters. Out of anyone in the world, they are most certainly those who know the most about how I work, even if we can never truly understand each other. Sometimes it can seem like absolutely nobody in this world quite knows you, and it can feel like you're alone. It's nice to know that at least some people begin to understand :).
Damn it, I'm overtired. I'm swear, I'm tearing up over here. As flat as I'm sure this reads, I am. So thanks, Julia and Laura. You gals rock.

Thanks for reading,

-Mark

What I Would do to Fifty Shades of Grey

For me, it's a matter of self-respect to stay away from Fifty Shades of Grey. I mean, we've all heard of it; it's that kinky porno book! It's also that book that has a buzz feed article of quotations from it that made me laugh for a long time (something about smiling sphinxes and inner goddesses? Give me a break... definitely not my cup of tea). Then, the movie came out, and friends wanted to go see it with me, so I read the summary on wikipedia. Let me tell you, after that, I think there are few things that bother me more than the success of that trilogy. Why, you ask?

1. It glorifies an abusive relationship. I'm not even talking about the sex stuff in this case, but just the emotional stuff. What people do for their sex life is totally their business. However, emotional manipulation? That's a little bit more personal. Having been in an emotionally abusive relationship myself, I find it quite horrifying that this sort of thing is considered acceptable in pop culture and even glorified. It's kind of sickening. 

2. There's very little literary value to the books, from what I can tell. However, having not read the books, I have to reserve at least some judgment on that. Still, it just seems like an excuse to read about and/or watch sex. The characters seem flat, the descriptions seem flatter, and, the plot, unless it's a criticize of "romance" in this day and age, is frankly appalling. 

Those are the biggest issues I have with it, although there are more. So, in short, what would I do to Fifty Shades of Grey?

Probably banish it from existence, unless it was used to discuss what is NOT okay. However, it seems to me that it's actually glorifying things that should not be glorified, rather than criticizing them. Again, I just want to emphasize that everyone's private life is their own, and whatever they do behind closed doors is their decision. Nevertheless, I do have a problem with objectifying women, abusive relationships (particularly through emotional manipulation), and trying to portray emotionally damaged individuals as "sexy" or a desirable ideal. Honestly, we're all emotionally damaged, so I'm not saying that being emotionally damaged is a bad thing. I am saying, though, that putting something like childhood sexual abuse up on a pedestal is wrong on many levels. 

Anyway, I don't mean to offend anyone with this post, but I do want to encourage some critical thought about this book series. Before you see the movie or purchase the books, just remember what you're supporting. 

-Laura

What I Would do if I Switched Majors

Well, kids, tonight is a special night.

Tonight, I am (really) just using this as an excuse to fill Mark in on something.

Unfortunately, this is not a hypothetical situation.

Allow me to clear things up: I adore music. However, I have certain aspects of my personality that have taught me that performing may not be what would ultimately make me happy. On that note (drumroll please)....

It appears that I will be changing majors. Or, rather, splitting majors? Halving majors? Adding a major and a minor?

Anyway, apparently majoring in creative writing is possible. Who knew, right? So, it seems likely that I will be switching to a double major in music and creative writing with a minor in English.

Yeah... I didn't really see this coming!

So, this is what I would/will do:

1. Deal with all the particulars of switching majors because doing so is kinda a pain in the butt.

2. Cry a little bit.

3. Also be a little bit happy. I'm a little bit excited for the new stuff that I'm going to be able to take. maybe this change will be a good one.

-Laura

What I Would Do to my Math Homework

Math, I understand that you're important. Without you, there wouldn't be much going on in this world- we'd be stuck in the stone ages! With that said, however... I hate you.

Now, don't take too much offense to this. It's not your existance that I hate- it's how you're forced upon me against my will.

For example, this weekend my lovely math teacher assigned me some questions about multiplying and dividing polynomials. There a a couple reasons that I have a problem with this, the main ones being that...

1. I highly doubt that I'll actually need to use this knowledge more then a half dozen times in my life, and

2. The math homework is basicallly the exact same question asked over and over again.

I suppose that the latter reason is the main reason why I'm so against this math homework. I can see my math teacher giving me, say... ten questions on the material. That way we'd get one or two questions on every concept we've learned in this chapter. Surely that number of questions would suffice if my teacher then went over them with us and showed us what we did wrong?

I think it would be, but apparently my teacher doesn't think so. Instead we get around forty or so questions, all on the same few topics. I understood the material after just one or two questions on the subject! Do we really need more?

And then the worst part of all of this is, when the homework is checked, it hardly even counts as a "checking." What it really is is a few seconds glance at the work to make sure that there's enough writing and equations to qualify as "sufficient work."

How are we going to learn if our work isn't even checked to see if we're doing it right? Are we supposed to learn only when our test results get back to show us what concepts we mistinterpreted? And if so, then what's the point of the textbook work?

If I could do so without disapproving glances from everyone I knew, then this is what I'd do. I'd take my homework and put it... into a box. Then I'd put that box in another box, and mail that box to myself, and when it arrived... I'D BURN IT TO SMITHERINES!

Or, to save on postage, I could just, you know... burn it.

Thanks for reading,

-Mark