What I Would do if I had to go out Dancing

I'm going to let you in on a little secret that's not so secret if you know me personally at all.

I hate dancing.

Actually. Nothing ignites the fire of hatred in my heart like having to dance, particularly in a public, club situation.

My hatred for dancing goes way back. I guess I liked it when I was three and did creative dancing. Then I moved to Edmonton and started tap. I have a distinct memory of hiding in my mother's closet until she let me quit. Then I tried Irish because a friend did it. I have distinct memories of loathing that and also quite a lot of crying. Then came Ukrainian dance. Lord, did I hate that. I have a slightly over-sized backside, and while I'm told as an adult that this is an attractive feature, I remember crying because the instructor kept telling me that I had a "banana butt" and to "tuck it in", which was actually impossible (like, sorry, lady, I literally can't make my butt shrink).

Finally, around the age of 10 or 11, I quit dance and never looked back. Seriously, hated it. So much.

But then, I did musical theatre, which involves - you guessed it - dancing! The worst experience I had was in Legally Blonde, when I had to play a promiscuous character who did a lot of promiscuous dancing, when I was probably the most innocent 17 year old on the entire planet. And, of course, there are still school dances and social dances that inevitably pop up, and I'm just not comfortable with the whole grinding or bobbing on the spot bullshit that passes as dancing in public spaces in this day and age.

In short, moving my body in any graceful manner is extremely difficult for this introvert who would really like to just disappear in many social situations that don't even involve having to make up some weird bobbing that matches everyone else. Like seriously, I can't even shimmy! I end up wiggling my hips (true story, true affliction). My body and I are pretty much on opposite planets.

I'm pretty sure both of these girls are at about my dancing ability.

So, yes, if you were to drag me out dancing I would:

1. Hate you forever. 

2. Try to get away with hiding in a corner, hopefully with multiple drinks and a book. 

3. Drink multiple drinks before you could get me to even attempt dancing. 

4. Then probably loathe every second of it, unless I'm sufficiently tipsy to the point where I don't give a f***. 

In short, do NOT take me dancing if you want to stay on my good side. 

-Laura