Laura's Buzzfeed quizzes have become my some of my favourite posts on the blog.
The first time Laura made a quiz post, I responded with a lengthy comment detailing my responses to every question that'd been asked. This time around, I'll go forth in the true spirit of this blog and copy the idea in the form of a post. Perhaps this is a bad idea, as I know what kinds of questions will be asked... Oh, God. Let's just go for it.
1. Would you rather smell like poop and not know it, or constantly be smelling poop that nobody else can smell?
Well. Ew. Although this is rather unpleasant, it's not hard to answer. In the end, it comes down to to reducing the casualties. If I smelled like poo for the rest of my life, then I do believe that I'd have a rather hard time getting and keeping friends. I'd rather keep the poo smell to myself and pray that I'd get used to it.
2. Would you rather eat only roadkill for the rest of your life or have everyone else in the world sound like Gilbert Gottfried?
Like you, Laura, I had to look Gilbert up to hear his voice. His voice could get grating after awhile, sure- but I think I'd rather be annoyed then die of malnutrition. The only problem is, I'd be condemning everyone else in the world with me if I didn't eat the roadkill...
3. Would you rather have taste buds on your butthole, or poop through your mouth?
Gah! The butthole! The butthole! Let's leave this question so we don't have to think about it!
4. Would you rather always have to say everything on your mind, or never be able to speak again?
This one's easy as well. Not being able to speak would be a curse in nearly every aspect of my life, whereas saying everything on my mind would be immensely liberating.
5. Would you rather be itchy for the rest of your life or sticky for the rest of your life?
Itchy, I can get used to. Sticky, both I and everyone around me has to deal with my problem. Let's get to the hard questions, Buzzfeed!
6. Would you rather eat a bowl of vomit or lick a hobo's foot?
Ah, thanks. Perhaps I should have been careful what I wished for, though...
Okay, let's think about this. Both would, of course, be terrible. However, like so many questions before it, I can think of an easy answer if I want to be chivalrous. Licking a hobo's foot seems to dehumanize them, and both me and the homeless person would be grossed out. Therefore, I'd go for the vomit.
7. Would you rather go through life with a perpetual cold sore on your mouth or go through life with a booger hanging from your nose?
Oh. God. Well, in the end I suppose that you could maybe downplay the cold sore with makeup, while with the snot there'd be nothing you could do... cold sore it is.
8. Would you rather watch your parents have sex every day for the rest of your life, or join in once to stop it?
...
...
This will take a lot of explaining.
My terribly awkward decision would be to join in just once. Before you drown me out with your protests, let me shout above you and say that it's all in the interest of time management. Watching them for, say, half an hour every day would be terribly time consuming and take up 1/48'th of my life. That's over two years if I live to be 100 years old. Alternatively, I could just hop in and hop out once, and then spend the two extra years of time I gained trying to wipe the experience from my memory. As terrible as it sounds, joining in is clearly the logical answer.
9. Would you rather smell like eggs when you burp or have a green cloud appear when you fart?
I burp on average perhaps once a week, where as farts probably slip out closer to once a day. Besides, I could just look weirdly at the person beside me if it started to smell like eggs, while a green cloud coming from my butt would be harder to explain.
10. Would you rather have the hiccups for the rest of your life, or always feel like you have to sneeze but not be able to?
Both of these sound unpleasant, but to me it's still an easy choice. Hiccups would make it extremely hard to eat, drink, or carry on a conversation. On the other hand, feeling like you needed to sneeze would be easy enough to get use to and nobody around you would be annoyed.
11. Would you rather only be able to listen to Nickelback songs, or reread all 56 pages of iTunes' terms and conditions every day for the rest of your life?
Again it's time management that makes the decision for me. I don't have any particular loathing for Nickleback, while it would take hours to read the terms and conditions every day. I'd just not listen to music at all.
12. Would you rather live like a king but have no friends or family or be homeless with your friends and family?
Clearly, I'd rather have friends and a family then be miserable alone in some mansion. I just hope that my friends wouldn't be pissed that in order to stay friends with me, they'd have to live on the streets.
13. Would you rather eat a potato and feel its pain, or be a potato?
Why on earth would you choose to be a potato? (No offence, Laura)
14. Would you rather have vaginas for ears or have penises for fingers?
Well, this one's easy. Having a penis myself, I can say that having ten as fingers would be extremely unpleasant. Is it possible to bend them in this alternate world? Or are they stuck straight? Another extremely awkward problem would be how your fingers would change from hard to soft (I didn't make these questions, okay? I'm just paid to talk about them). I don't think that soft fingers would be very useful, but how does one keep fingers constantly aroused? If you were too good at keeping them aroused, would they... you know... climax? Would you pee out of your fingers? Besides, those things are sensitive!
Vaginas for ears seem like the much better option. I'll just keep my fingers (NOT penises) crossed that my ears don't start to bleed.
15. Would you rather have sex with a goat and have nobody know, or not have sex with a goat and have everyone think that you did?
Ah, this question, ruiner of my reputation. I'd bang the goat.
First of all, I don't think that it's anatomically possible to properly bang a goat. Second of all, if you can't go full out them maybe it wouldn't be too uncomfortable for the goat... or you. Thirdly, I do want to have a social life. That's why I'd bite my lip and just do it.
16. Would you rather pry off your thumbnail with a fork, or put a toothpick under your big toenail and kick a wall?
This is the most cringe-worthy question of all time. Reading this the first time through, I physically winced. Luckily, I do have an answer. Although I do like your plan to bend the rules, Laura, I think I'd rather pry off my nail with a fork. A shaft of wood in your toe might cause permanent damage, whereas people lose their nails all the time. Again, I'd merely have to suck it up and go for it. That's pretty good life advice, actually...
17. Would you rather know when you're going to die, or know how you're going to die?
Easy. Knowing how you'd die would leave you paranoid, while if you knew when you'd die then you could try to prepare for it.
Done! I'm afraid I have to agree with you, Laura- asides from a few really terrible questions, the test was actually fairly easy. I await harder questions, Buzzfeed.
Until next time, thanks for reading.
-Mark
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