Old school What I Would Do post, where I actually speculate about some scenario instead of recounting events that've already happened to me! I'm so proud of myself.
We've done a few Zombie Apocalypse-themed posts here at What I Would Do - you can read them here and here - but those explored the much wrung-out idea of how we'd survive the apocalypse. Today, I'm afraid that we're assuming my brilliant plan has failed. I started cycling north, my tire popped, I was out of ammo, and in a heroic battle I took out approximately zero zombies before being bitten. Thus, I find myself wandering the streets of some abandoned town searching for human flesh.
As a zombie, the first thing I'd have to accept would be that I was gonna be pretty gross looking and smelling from then on. I'd be covered in blood, my clothes would be in shreds, and I'd start to rot excruciatingly slowly over months and years. Don't you know that zombies can take years to rot? Read The Zombie Survival Guide, jeez. Newbs.
Can you imagine the phycological effects of that, though? Seeing yourself slowly waste away would surely traumatize any zombie. They have to come to accept, I imagine, that there lives are a sand timer perpetually draining away. I have a tough enough time grappling with how fleeting our existence is as a fifteen year old- as a zombie, it would be mental torture.
That said, I'd have other things occupying my thoughts. My continual search for human meat would be a nearly impenetrable obstacle in my search for zombie happiness. I imagine that the zombies' search for humans is like an overpowering drug; I could perhaps restrain myself for a short time if I had immense willpower, but every so often I'd cave and binge-eat people. Afterwards, whatever scrap of morality I had remaining would protest and perhaps even restrain me for a short time. My zombie instincts would almost certainly triumph in the end, though, and I'd sink into self-loathing and misery.
Realistically, I feel that I wouldn't last too long as a zombie. As humans were whittled down to only those who knew how to fight, my addiction to their flesh may well prove deadly. Thus, my tragic zombie life would end miserably, putting an end to my struggle to find my place in the universe as a member of the walking dead. You could say I'd have a rotten life.
...
Okay, now that I've ruined the whole post with that pun, thanks for reading!
-Mark
Post script; Good news! Laura should be back in a day or two!
Outtakes
I originally spelled "outtakes" "outakes." Sigh.
The 7-word segment "Read The Zombie Survival Guide, jeez. Newbs." Took much longer then it should have for me to write. It required no less then two trips to Urban Dictionary. First, I wasn't sure how one properly spells "jeez." I started with "jes" before moving onto "jezz" until I eventually googled "jes expression." Finally, Urban Dictionary saved the day. Then, it again saved me when I looked up "noobs," curious as to what the definition would be. I was greeted with a really extremely well written guide on how to define, spot, and avoid noobs with 23 599 (23 600 now) up-votes. There I learned that there is in fact a difference between "noob" and "newb," being that both are novice players but that the latter has a willingness to learn while the former is a lazy person who expects others to do the work for them. I gave you the benefit of the doubt and called you "newbs." See how much I care about you guys?
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