Everyone hates the Oscars. It's the same scene every year. People chatter excitedly the day of the event, filling out prediction sheets and cooking dinners to be eaten while watching the show. They sit down by the TV hours before the actual event, attaching dozens of famous people prance about in skimpy outfits. This is all well and good for a few hours. Then the excitement wears off, the food runs out, and everyone's left staring blankly at a screen while their boredom slowly but surely builds. There's no real entertainment value in a show that celebrates entertainment.
After the show has dragged on for hours and everyone has lost interest, only one thing can revitalize the show; Oscar acceptance speeches. These speeches can come in many forms, some of which are significantly more entertaining then others. There are the people who are overcome with happiness and gratitude. Others speak passionately, and yet others joke around and make light of the whole deal. Those types of speeches are appreciated.
On the flip side of the coin, the speeches can also be boring as hell. The vast majority of the ramblings are exactly the same. Thank you, academy. Thanks family. I'd like to say thanks to my fans, most of all. Thanks again, and goodbye.
With speeches like this over and over again, you're almost relieved when people cheap out and just say a single "thank you" before taking their seats again. At least they keep the show moving forward.
Naturally, I wouldn't want to be part of that first group, instead wanting to make my speech entertaining. Therefore in the one-in-a-million chance that a ever do make such a speech, I'd want it to be something like this...
Hello everyone. Quiet down now, quiet down (insert awkward laugh here).
It's long been a dream of mine to win an Oscar. Standing where I am now, I have to reflect on the fact that I have succeeded where millions of lesser beings have failed, and that's truly a wonderful feeling. I've made it. Then again, is this whole Oscar thing really worth celebrating?
To be honest with you, I'm not sure if it does mean all that much to win an Oscar. I personally don't remember a single person who's won one, so they can't be that special in the grand scheme of things. I mean, who won best supporting actress in 1977? I sure as hell don't know. Were there even Oscars in 1977?
My point is, I do hope that I'll do more important things in my life then win a hunk of shiny metal. Still, there were some people who helped me win it, and so I suppose I should continue that tired custom of thanking people.
First of all, I'd like to make a clear point of my lack of gratitude towards the academy. It is my belief that a handful of crotchety old people should not make the official decision as to what's good entertainment and what's not. Instead of talking about them, let me list some people who've actually been useful to me.
There are my fans, who are helpful to me only when they spread my legend and give me their money. There's also my family, who supported me in everything I did and are really the only people who really deserve my gratitude. That only leaves one other person to thank. Myself.
Before you people blow your stacks, let me tell you that I say this sincerely and confidently. Despite everyone who has helped me on the way to receiving this Oscar, in the end nobody put in more hours then the person you see before you. I was the one who trained the hardest, worked the hardest, believed in myself most readily. None of you out there put in as much work as I did, as is confirmed by the fact that I am standing here on this stage and you are not. It was me that got me onto this stage, and nothing you say can change that. Good day.
And thus, my career as an actor would end gloriously. In flames and tarnished, true, but gloriously. I may be sued ten billion dollars, but it would be worth it when my name went down in Oscar history. I do believe that I'd go out laughing, and isn't that all that counts?
Thanks for reading,
-Mark
PS; I'm very thankful that you aren't making me listen to another opera, Laura. I will read that book, although remember that you must listen to that Green Day album or have your reputation tarnished.
PPS; A measly 15 pushups today. How on earth did I do three times that many yesterday?
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