What I Would do if I Were a Mermaid

Sunlight filters through the water as you flick your tail lazy, projecting yourself easily through the gentle waves. The sun is dancing, the water is a warm caress, and, just to top it all off, you're really freaking hot. Gotta love being a mermaid right?

Wrong. 

I think there are few things I would like less than being a mermaid. Think of the ocean realistically now. There's salt in your hair and you feel disgusting. If you go to close to the bottom, sand gets all over you. Or, maybe you get stabbed by a sea urchin or a sting ray. Okay, so you swim into deeper water. Oh, God, now it's dark, and you're surrounded by nothingness in all directions. Oh, wait, just kidding, there's a freaking hungry SHARK. And a hoard of jellyfish. And deep creepy caves. Getting lost is pretty much unavoidable. Oh, there comes a tsunami. Joy. Oh, and some seaweed. And look down there; there's a super deep part of the ocean. Want to swim down there and be blind and meet freaky fish and probably get crushed by the water pressure? Or would you rather take a moment to consider the fact that you are currently swimming in fish piss and blood in addition to salt and water and whatever nasty shit is floating around? Or, you know, the pollution (that island of plastic bags, anyone?). And where the hell are you planning to sleep?? 

Yeah, when you really think about it, being a mermaid sounds awful. So this is what I would do if were a mermaid. 

1. Attempt to move to a lake. Or a pool! Someone build me a water house in a pool. Preferably heated like a warm bath. No fish. No freaky ocean things. Regular cleaning would also be nice. 

2. If this is not an option, attempt surgery to become a human. 

3. If this is not an option, and I'm doomed to stay in the ocean, commit suicide. It's better than being eaten by a shark. 

And that, folks, is enough to remind me that I never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER want to be a mermaid. 

-Laura