Fun fact: apparently, spiders are the number one thing that people are afraid of worldwide. I got this statistic from my family over dinner (we have some strange conversations), so I can't guarantee its authenticity, but it sounds about right to me.
Why is it that we're scared of something so small? The answer to that is simple. They're the creepiest little monsters ever. They have those terrifying spindly legs. Some of them move freakishly fast. I don't know if your heart fills with dread when you see one of those fast ones, but I know mine does (often followed by a shriek). Then there are those awful webs that get caught on you, and the worst part is that the feeling remains long after you're sure you've brushed away the last sticky piece.
Movies like Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets or Lord of the Rings: Return of the King frankly do not help this fear. Spider scenes are the scariest things in the world. Just thinking of the eyes and the hairy legs and their pouncing and the way they poison and spin up people in freaky web cocoon things makes my heart pound.
I will give you an idea of how fully I hate spiders. I climbed Mount Kilimanjaro when I was fourteen, and they had these horrible "outhouses" that were basically stalls with holes in the ground. The weird part was, in spite of the 90% concentration of men on the mountain, there still seemed to be a mysterious lack of aim when it came to using the outhouse. Often there were puddles of pee with little icebergs floating in them, or giant pieces of - well - s*** sitting beside the hole. One morning, I had the choice between two outhouses. One had a bunch of poo around the hole. The other had a spider in the corner sitting on a web. Yes, I chose the poo. I figure there are two types of people in the world, and I feel like this simple test would easily distinguish those intelligent enough to recognize the lack of threat of human waste and those brave or rash enough to do their business with the threat of spiders dropping on their heads.
One last point. Spiders are scary enough when they're small, but there are some pictures of spiders that make me never want to leave Canada. Here, the biggest spider you see in the wild is a daddy-longlegs, and they're too stupid to be horrifically scary. But then there are giant bird eating spiders and tarantulas and jumping spiders and spiders large enough that their feet make pattering noises on the ground...
The point is, spiders are TERRIFYING. The only thing perhaps equal to them is the ocean (and all things in it - particularly sea urchins). That may be a topic for another day.
If I were stuck in my bedroom with a tarantula, this is what I would do:
1. Scream for help. This probably wouldn't even be a conscious choice. I'm sure I would be a quaking, screaming, maniacal flood of tears. On that note, I may even seriously consider calling 911. TARANTULAS DO NOT BELONG IN MY HOUSE.
2. Jump onto my bed or any other close high ground to keep the spider in sight while being out of its reach.
3. Attempt to grab any large, heavy object. Preferably one I never want to see again.
4. Drop said object hard on spider and hope it hits it. If it was too far away, I would not move to confront it. I would wait for help or wait for the bastard to crawl its disgusting way over to me.
5. Regrettably, squish said spider into goo while still screaming to hide any unpleasant noises. This may include poking the heavy object dropped on the spider with something long so I'm out of reach. If I'm feeling very brave, I may jump on the heavy object to ensure death. *Note: I really regret this. I always feel guilty for killing things and it seems mean to kill something just for being in my room, but the other option is releasing this beast into the wild. That would just be cruel. No, if I'm catching this thing alive, it is going to the zoo or the exterminator or whoever takes care of freaky giant illegal bug things in houses.
6. Go for counselling.
I hope that this situation never happens to anyone (myself included). I think I may have nightmares.
-Laura
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