Christmas Eve must be one shitty night for Santa Claus. Let's take a moment to consider this. Santa is a very old man, correct? He's been around for hundreds of years. What happens when you get older? Well, you tend to get health problems, often related to mobility and energy. In addition, we also know that Santa is obese, which really can't help his health and must hinder a journey around the world in a single day. He has to risk breaking bones as he climbs on roofs and squeezes into chimneys, and he also has to figure out how to effectively break into every home and deliver presents promptly enough that he can make it to everyone. I don't want to do that math, but I'm pretty sure Santa would have less than a second per house. I really, really hope that he has a time-turner or else a cloning machine.
So far we know that Santa risks his health every year climbing houses and doing things that he frankly is far too old to be mobile for. We also know that this must be a giant workout, based on his rate of work and the sheer load he has to carry (as well as the reindeer... can I hear a chorus of "animal abuse"?). Personally, I can't imagine that stressing his heart for that amount of time can be good for Santa. In addition, he has to travel around the world, which means dealing with freezing cold temperatures AND boiling hot temperatures. Did Santa schedule in hydration and clothes changing breaks? I really hope so.
In short, Santa can't have an easy night. However, we can congratulate him on his breaking and entering skills based on his rate of travel (side note: has anyone ever thought about what would happen if Santa turned into a not so "jolly" old man? He would make one hell of a serial killer or thief. Pretty terrifying). I think there is very little he can realistically do to prepare, but here are some things he could do:
1. Cross-training. Santa may have an image as a round and loveable old man, but he had better get into shape for Christmas Eve. That means jogging, rock climbing (come on, how else would he get up a chimney), balancing (parkour?)...
2. Sleep for several days before Christmas. He's going to need it.
3. Make enough tea or coffee (preferably spiked) to last the entire journey.
4. Bring spare reindeer and a TON of food for them. Perhaps he could have different sleighs with new teams of reindeer stationed periodically around the world. No reindeer could hope to carry the weight of an entire world's supply of presents (unless Santa has a bag like Mary Poppin's).
5. Be really, really nice to my elves. Their assistance will likely be very necessary (see above and below). Perhaps they could even help deliver toys and give the old man a break.
6. Bring along painkillers, blankets, sunscreen, sunglasses, a variety of clothes, snacks, a first-aid kit, and an AED (*note, an elf will be needed here to give Santa CPR or shock his heart).
In short, my prayers are with you this evening, Santa. Luckily for you, I know first-aid (as do three other people in this house), so if you have to get injured, my house is a good place to do it.
Merry Christmas everyone!
-Laura
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