Today during a rehearsal, my character (a crotchety ancient lady with no filter) inspired me to think of what life would be like if I were elderly. Society treats different age groups of society very differently. It would be nice if that were untrue, but, unfortunately, that's not the case. Teenagers are automatically delinquents, children are innocent and adorable, and once you reach a certain old age, you also become adorable. As a result, some things are now acceptable for you to do that would otherwise be forbidden.
If I were an ancient woman today, I would:
1. Cut to the front of every line, because I'm old, deaf, in pain, and don't know any better. And, if anyone argues, I'd just lecture them on disrespecting their elders.
2. Use those tempting, almost always empty handicapped parking spots. How nice would that be? A spot always available!
3. Watch junk television and ignore all pop music (which I tend to dislike already, so clearly I'm already halfway to being old).
4. Wear the most comfortable, ugly clothing items without fear of judgment because, let's face it, I'm adorable.
5. Show my less than pleasant moods to the world instead of trying to conceal them to be polite. Because I'm old, and I don't have time for such things.
6. Take advantage of the stereotypical old person lack of a filter. If you're being an idiot, don't worry, I'll tell you.
7. Cook delicious things all the time.
8. Fawn over other peoples' children and pets without being considered creepy or weird. Because the elderly obviously only have good intentions. Surely all the bad people from that generation are already dead or in jail, right?
9. Do strange things like take bubble baths every day or drink a glass of sherry every day at noon.
10. Become amazingly innovative... knitting, crocheting, sewing galore!
11. Up my bingo game.
12. Buy a million cats and/or dogs and keep them in my gloriously warm and plushly furnished house.
13. Never work again, but devote myself only to my interests, accomplishing the things I want to, and enjoying life. Think daily walks in the park or feeding birds (particularly pigeons).
14. Talk about whatever weird things I wanted, because I'm old and I can do that. Aliens? Check. Government conspiracy theories? Check. My pets? Check. My bowels or health? Check.
In short, being old would be fun. Well, except for the pain and the physical degradation. But isn't it nice to think that, even with age, we all have something to look forward to?
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