What I Would do to My Friends' Potential Boyfriends

Props to Adrienne for inspiring this one.

Let's face it. As friends, we love to hear each other's news. We love to hear about each other's accomplishments, woes, fears, and, of course, each other's love lives. Not because we're shallow (well, maybe sometimes a little bit) but because we're genuinely invested in each other's happiness.

However, there is one small problem with the discussions on love lives. How on earth do we get to know about potential mates for our friends? Of course, the easiest solution is stalking. Therefore, if I could, I would stalk my friends' potential boyfriends in this manner:

1. I would steal their phones and look at all of their texts, judging them on a scale of 1-10 on content, punctuation, and grammar.

2. I would look into their bedrooms to see their states of cleanliness. Bad smells, exploded closets... those are all very bad signs.

3. I would take sneaky pictures to judge their attractiveness and style.This may not be a deal breaker if their personality tests are successful (clearly, my friends' opinions are most important in this manner). Nevertheless, one can learn a lot from someone's appearance. Or it can be fun to admire them and dream. Appearance shall be judged on a scale of 1-10, with extra points for eyeliner and scruff.

4. I would shadow them for a day to get a feel for their personality, including several personality tests. One would be dropping money, for example, to see if they returned it. In addition to the tests, I could discover several key deal-breakers: do they prefer tea or coffee? Do they pick their noses? Do they chew with their mouth open? Do they prefer dogs or cats? What do they do for fun? Are they hygienic? Do they spend more time on their hair than I do?

5. I would steal their iPod to take a look at their music taste. Bad music taste is always a deal breaker. For other friends, I would also look at other tastes, such as tastes in food, movies, and books.

6. I would interview their friends, family, and exes. It would be better to hear the deal-breakers from inside sources early in the proceedings.

7. I would search all report card records to decide if our favourite subjects were compatible.

8. I would check police records. Do they text and drive? ALERT ALERT ALERT.

In this manner, I would quickly discover the merits of my friends' potential partners and their compatibility with both my friend and myself. Let's face it, clinginess is a big downer. If they take my friend away, they are instantly fired from my list of approval.

What would you do?